tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16922732862470720892024-03-13T06:11:04.082-07:00Feminist in Spite of ThemThe Journey from Quiverfull to Feminist ~ If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment but you would like to discuss a post, please email me at sarahrahenderson@gmail.comAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-57973750489548803572015-10-25T16:58:00.002-07:002015-10-25T16:58:54.949-07:00Christian Lay Counselling: Supporting Parents at the Expense of Protecting Children<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">There is a common occurrence within counselling in fundamentalist
churches, in which a lay person, often someone with some experience or some
qualifications, but not truly qualified, opens a client-therapist relationship
with a fellow church member. Depending on the community, it could be a member
of another church, who comes highly recommended by other church community
members.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">In the case of families with undisclosed
or unacknowledged abuse, this situation can be highly damaging. A situation
like this occurred within my own family on several separate occasions, with
several different people who attempted to perform as lay counsellors to my
parents. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">In the first situation, the lay
counsellor, a woman whose education was in nursing, and whose experience was
working with teenage mothers, attempted to work with my father as a lay
counsellor. This was after I had moved out, at 17, which bizarrely, after many
years of involvement with that church, was the first sign the church noticed
that there was a problem in my home. When the church began to acknowledge that
there was a problem, they recommended that my father see her for counselling.
She tried to work with him by setting some proposed limits on his abusive
behaviour. To my knowledge she never reported his abuse, although she was aware
of it. She didn't experience much success with him, and when he
eventually <a href="http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2013/07/introduction-and-quick-snapshot-of-how.html">left</a> the
family home (he was convicted of three counts of child abuse in a plea
bargain) and was no longer open to seeing her, she moved on to act as a
counsellor to my mother. My mother was also abusive (although not to the same
degree as my father) and neglectful, and this woman was aware of this but to my
knowledge did not report it. I can state that she was aware of my mother's
abuse and neglect because I had knowledge of her attempts to help my mother
change her behaviour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">She made repeated attempts to help my
mother by helping her clean up the house, which was extremely unhygienic. This
was a highly unsuccessful venture. The house would simply become extremely
unhygienic again, shockingly quickly. My father had maintained a high degree of
control over the day to day running of the house, and without him there, my
mother was not forced to keep the house clean and was not motivated to do it,
on her own, or for the sake of her children who were living there. When trying
to help my mother keep the house clean did not work, and trying to teach her to
keep the house clean did not work, this woman turned to the children. I was not
living at the house for most of this, but after my father was no longer living
there I spent time there frequently (eventually I returned to live in the house
for another year). During this time this woman also became friends with my
mother, and it always remained unclear what part of her involvement was due to
the friendship and what part was considered lay counselling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">She started out by requiring the children who remained in the home
to clean the house with her. When this had no lasting impact on the state of
the house, things became more tense. She had originally tried to help my mother
mend her abusive and neglectful behaviour, but the tension in the house
continued to increase. My siblings and I had placed the blame for all the abuse
and neglect at my father's feet, in court, since he was the more abusive parent. However, this came with the
expectation that when given a chance, my mother would be a better parent. This didn't
work out, as she continued to spiral out of control. While I have empathy for her position as
a fellow victim as well as an abuser, she continued to spiral </span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">for several
years, at the expense of the quality of life of my siblings. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">My siblings and I became frustrated with her inability to take
over responsibility for the running of her home. She couldn't coordinate
comings and goings, budgeting, meal planning, household hygiene and food
safety, and she wasn't able to parent her children. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The lay counsellor attempted to change tack again and be a family
counsellor for the whole family. However, she had gotten to know my mother
quite well, and for whatever reason, was convinced that my mother was being
re-victimized by her children. At that point the 9 children ranged in age from
20 to 5. Other people from my mother's church got involved in the lay
counselling as well, and the original lay counsellor became less involved. My siblings and I, not months after sitting in court telling our story of
abuse, were told by the church and the religious lay counsellors they brought
into our lives, that our mother would be a better mother, if only we were
better children. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The older children were accused of usurping the parent role, for
parenting the younger children when my mother failed to do so. Our offence lay
in helping them get through their daily lives, insisting on a certain level of behaviour, routine, and hygiene. These people enabled my mother to continue a
highly dependent lifestyle, simply substituting church community figures to
submit to, instead of my father. As these people remained in denial of the
abuse and neglect that occurred, their input into our lives was heavily centred
on how to make my mother's life better, sprinkled with advice regarding
continuing to respect our father. My mother depended on the lay counsellors for
advice and financial assistance and parenting, to minutiae. My siblings and I
repeatedly requested that the church and lay counsellors become less involved
but that was treated as a disrespectful and ludicrous suggestion. It also
seemed to us that the lack of success caused emotional distress to those
involved, and that their efforts became more about experiencing the
gratification of achieving some recognizable success, than it was about
actually helping anyone involved. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">There was another woman, also loosely affiliated with the church, became
involved in the lay counselling in a scenario that was almost a perfect replica
of the situation I just outlined, except that she was never involved with my
father, and she was a counselling student with a Christian distance education
program, and claimed that my mother was her senior project, apparently filling
out reports on her work with my mother. They also claimed a friendship, and
that situation also evolved into her coming into the home and claiming that my
mother would have been a better mother if my siblings were better children. She
took part in trying to clean the house, but again to my knowledge, never
reported the abuse and neglect she observed there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">In the third situation, a pastor of a church that was loosely
affiliated with our church, worked as a counsellor. My understanding is that
unlike the first lay counsellors in this post, he had some education and some
standards for his work, including confining his counselling to his church
office rather than entering the home. It started out quite similarly to the
first situation, with the counsellor coming highly recommended. He also heavily
relied on religious materials and ideology in his work, which was to be
expected. He also experienced no success in counselling my father, and also had
a failed attempt to do to marriage counselling with both my parents. To the
best of my knowledge, he was also made fully aware of the abuse and never
reported it. In my parents' marriage counselling, as described to me by my
mother, he did emphasize that my father should treat my mother better, but he
was always oriented towards full reconciliation as the goal, rather than on
changed attitudes and behaviours as the goal in a situation where there was
significant abuse and neglect. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">When this counsellor experienced complete failure in facilitating
reconciliation, he moved on to trying to counsel some of my siblings. However,
he actually brought my parents' files with him to those counselling sessions
and relied on them to inform of him of the presenting issues for my siblings,
rather than allowing them to present their concerns to him directly. His
counselling sessions with my siblings were prematurely broken off as well, and
my siblings expressed dissatisfaction with their sessions with him. All of
these failures were openly understood by our church to be based in some moral
deficit on the part of my family members, which only added to the othering that
my family faced at the hands of the church. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I have referenced the<a href="http://www.casw-acts.ca/sites/default/files/attachements/CASW_Guidelines_for%20Ethical_Practice_e.pdf"><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"> </span></span>Canadian Association of Social Workers
"Guidelines for Ethical Practice"</a>, to explain the problems that
happened in those three scenarios. I chose a social work code of ethics because
that is my educational background, and also because even though those three lay
counsellors were not responsible to any association in their role as lay
counsellors, I feel that is still reasonable to look to a code of ethical
behaviour when discussing their actions in a position of power, that
affected my minor aged siblings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">On page 8 of the PDF in the above link, 1.6.1 states that those
who are aware of child abuse and/or neglect, need to report this to the proper
authorities. There is no evidence that any of those lay counsellors ever made a
child protection report, and certainly none of them claim to do have done so.
Items 2.1.1, 2.3.1, and 2.3.3 outline the responsibility of a social worker to
look out for the well-being of vulnerable persons, in this case my siblings,
and to take care in situations involving clients who are related to each other,
and when personal friendships are involved. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">
As I outlined above, there were personal relationships between my mother and
the lay counsellors who later moved on to try to counsel my siblings without
their consent, with the counselling largely revolving around asking my siblings
to be better children if they wished to be better taken care of. Having a child
go to therapy with a counsellor who is so enmeshed with the parents places the
child at a distinct disadvantage. For example in these cases, any words against
the parents were directly reported back to my mother, for her to deal with as
she wished. Also, after several months of involvement and awareness of the
abuse at play, there was no hope from my siblings that these people would
report the abuse and neglect, so these counselling sessions were really just
scolding sessions where the lay counsellor informed my siblings of their shortcomings. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">This is not to be a generalized statement against lay counselling,
and surely some lay counsellors must be able to provide counselling among
family members without this kind of harm being done, but the lack of protection
for children in such situations is deplorable and should be shocking. When lay
counsellors are recommended to families in distress, they should be held to
some kind of standard and care should be taken not to harm children in the
process - which shouldn't even need to be said! but clearly it needs to be. There is no escape or protection for a homeschooled, isolated child who is put
in contact with an incompetent lay counsellor, with the full knowledge and
agreement of the church.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-67738853835783272322015-02-02T11:37:00.000-08:002015-02-02T11:37:14.738-08:00The Curse of Being Bound to an ImageIt's been over nine years since I left my parents and over time my perception of how much progress I've made in my life has changed many times, fluctuating between sometimes thinking I am doing a terrible job at being an adult and sometimes thinking I am doing well. Through some enlightening conversations I've had recently with my friend James, who is in my cohort of ex-fundamentalists, I've come to realize that in spite of everything that I re-evaluated and realized since I left, I missed a very important thing. (I am not going to say that I missed <i>one</i> very important thing because I am sure that there are other things I've missed as well.)<br />
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Here it is: we were raised to believe that there is a pre-set standard for what adulthood should look like. I was given to understand that I should grow up and get married at age 18-21, give or take, and after that point I should be completely mature and adult. There would be no need for further growth or any further emotional development. I should have my spirituality completed settled and sorted out, and I should not be different in any way, other than age, from any other married woman who was, say 40 or 50 (the same message was given to young men, although it was gendered differently). <br />
<a name='more'></a>There is a small inconsistency in this idea because older people are assumed to have more wisdom if they are telling you something they think you should do differently, but other than that, young adults were expected to be completely mature. </div>
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To get a somewhat more rounded idea of what other people (who were not raised in fundamentalist homes) internalized regarding expectations of how adulthood should unfold, I have spoken to several other people in my life. First, I asked my husband Chris what messages he received from his family on this topic. He was raised in a fairly "average" home, if there is such a thing. He said that he wasn't taught specifically that he needed to have his life together at a certain age. Instead, his family taught him life skills that were needed. His parents have supported him and his siblings in making their different choices, and when something hasn't worked out the way they were hoping, his parents supported them again in making new choices. His parents have shown me the same kind of supportive attitude, when I have had hopes and dreams that didn't work out. They tend to meet us where we are at, and while they give advice and input, they only show support to their adult children when they are struggling; they do not say guilt-inducing things, or say that they are disappointed in their children.<br />
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I also spoke to my friend Amber about her understanding of her parents' attitudes about emotional and lifestyle development and this is what she had to say: her parents strongly encouraged her to start working early, to learn how to have a source of income and how to manage money. If she wanted money for extras, she needed to earn it. She was also strongly encouraged to go to enter some form of higher learning (apprenticeship, college, etc) right out of high school; her parents felt that this was a good idea to avoid becoming involved with other things instead of finishing school or an apprenticeship, as it is more difficult to finish pursuing such goals when you are married, have a mortgage, or have children. Her parents demonstrated what a good relationship should look like and what to expect; but they had no expectation that their children should have a partner at a certain age or have kids at a certain age. Her parents also taught her and her brother that women should be respected, and are equals, and encouraged her to be independent. She says that it was expected that she wouldn't settle for anything less than a partner who treated her as an equal, showed her the respect she deserved, and loved her more than anything else.<br />
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In terms of emotional maturity Amber and her brother were able to go to their parents for anything, and her parents expressed that they felt that it was their life duty to look after their children, even now (Amber's brother is now in his 30's). Her parents have modelled for her that even parents don't need to be independent, allowing her to see their vulnerability in a safe way. As Amber and her brother have gotten older, they are there for their parents for support and advice sometimes, when applicable, as well as their parents continuing to support them, Her parents encouraged her to understand that there are life stages and people change and adapt over time. They encouraged her to take her own path, and made it clear that if her chosen path was to change, that would be okay too. She said that above all, the message she received was that she should pursue what she wanted. I asked her if, in her experience as part of society (in a secular "average" household) this is a typical message for young people to receive, and she said that within her circle growing up, and other people she has known since then, it appears to be typical. </div>
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In a recent conversation with one of my sisters, we were talking about her life plans and I asked her when she thought she should have her "stuff" together. She told me that she figures she should be well on her way with her life plan by 21. She has a pretty good idea of how the next 8 years should unfold, and strong expectations about what she should accomplish in that time. When I was 20, I thought that by the time I was 25, I should have my career down pat (which was still ironic for me at that point in time since according to my parents, there was no intention for me, as a woman, to have a career at all), and I should certainly have everything in my head settled and sorted by the time I was 25. I have struggled quite a bit with certain things since leaving my family, but I believed there was a deadline for dealing with those issues. </div>
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I thought that I should have the perfect relationship, which would turn into the perfect marriage. I thought I should sail smoothly through school and within six months, I should land a good job and get established in my career. I should start a family and never struggle with my past issues again. Overall, I have a good life, things just haven't all worked out quite as smoothly as I thought that they would, if I tried hard enough. My career hasn't taken off quite the way I was hoping. I struggled a lot with feeling ready to want children, because of what I went through a child. I was talking to my sister Natalie about this, and she pointed out that when our parents reached this age and stage in their lives, they chose Patriarchy and Quiverfull ideology, rather than sticking it out and trying to succeed in the 80's when professionalism was taking off for both men and women. (Note: I feel comfortable saying that my parents did not succeed, since both of them have been unemployed for the greater part of the past 30 years). </div>
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The pressure that was put on me to have children, by my parents and the ideology they adopted, has also contributed to feelings of failure as an adult, as I am now 26 and do not have children. I made a difficult decision to share this next bit on my blog, because I feel that it is not talked enough about and I feel that hearing about this may be good for others who have gone through the same thing as I did. I decided last summer that I was ready to have children. My husband and I had been talking about it for several years, and I finally felt like I was ready to take that step. So I went off birth control and we started trying. In October, 2014, I got pregnant, but by December I had a second ultrasound that showed that I had miscarried. That didn't fit into what I thought my life plan should be. </div>
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Having the miscarriage brought up a lot of pain for me, which meant that I had to face that I hadn't wished away my struggles from the past. I have a lot of painful memories from when I was a child. My childhood memories were linked to the idea of having my own children in a way that I think is reasonable. I get triggered by things sometimes, which is difficult. I had this idea that I needed to put those feelings and memories aside, and move on in my head. I am not talking about healing, I am talking about forcing it away. And I really tried to do that. I wanted to. I wanted to live a life where the things that happened to me, didn't happen. But that's not true, that stuff did happen. I survived. But not without scars. There is still some pain and some struggles. Some bad days. And somehow, that is okay. It's sad that I had a miscarriage. But there is lots of time for me to heal from that and move forward.</div>
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I've come to realize that people I know, who weren't raised like I was, think that it is okay to start their lives out slowly and work their way up to where they want to go. They think that it is okay to be more mature at 25 than they were at 20, and to be more mature and established at 30 than 25, and more mature and established when they are 40 then when they were 30. To see life as an unfolding story. Not one that you have to finish writing by age 20 or 25. </div>
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This is the curse of being bound to an image of what your life should look like. I am shocked to have realized at age 26 that I had never re-evaluated my feelings about my life path and the messages that I received about it. I have re-thought so much, and somehow I missed this huge piece of what life is all about. But it's not too late. I hope that by sharing my husband's and my friend's thoughts on their parents' attitudes, I can show that not everyone thinks this way. It is so easy (and so frustrating) to feel that you have gotten all the way out of fundamentalism but still be hanging onto an image or a timeline of how your life should be, that is not based in reality or has nothing to do with what you want in your life.<br />
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Discovering who you are and what you want, and pursuing that for yourself, is such an essential part of the human experience. It's too big to miss out on. It's still important for me to be functional. I still want to keep actively pursuing my goals. But I am going to let myself of the hook a little, and not count set-backs at 26 as a sign of global failure in my life. It just means that I am so much younger than I realized. I have so much more time than I realized. There is lots of time for success. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-34372251676349692562015-01-25T11:14:00.003-08:002015-01-25T11:14:26.673-08:00Lists of Survivor Stories and BlogsIf you are reading my blog, you may have found it through a list of survivor blogs, but just in case, I wanted to share the list of spiritual abuse <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/survivor-blogs">Survivor Blogs</a> compiled by Libby Anne, The hyperlink will take you to her page on Patheos.<br />
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You can check out the list of <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/spiritual-abuse-survivor-blogs-network/">Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network</a> on No Longer Quivering, also hosted on Patheos.<br />
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I also recommend reading the stories posted on <a href="https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/stories/">Homeschoolers Anonymous</a>; these are the stories of people who were homeschooled; some are sad stories of abuse and educational neglect, and some are positive experiences.<br />
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And if you are interested in reading about some suggestions on <a href="https://www.blogger.com/%C2%A0http://www.responsiblehomeschooling.org/">Responsible Homeschooling</a>, check out the work done by the Coalition for Responsible Home Education.<br />
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Happy reading!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-9766957935964276282014-12-17T09:17:00.001-08:002015-02-02T11:42:20.562-08:00The Impact of Parental Values and Opinions on Educational Outcomes: My Perspective<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">The impact of attitudes towards education, especially higher education, and its impact on adult life, has recently come up in discussion in the home school survivor community. We all have different experiences and heard </span><span style="color: black; font-size: small;">variations of different messages while growing up in homeschooling families.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"> Here is my experience:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">My parents didn't place much value on education. We were homeschooled in a way, meaning we were at home and some effort was made to buy books and teach lessons. But the underlying organization and structure wasn't there, and they didn't have the motivation or follow through to make it happen. We received a relatively decent education in the first few grades, I assume; we learned to read and do basic math in those years. But no one received any education past about grade 6-8, depending on the subject. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">They taught that you didn't need college or university to succeed in life. They said that because we were homeschooled, we were special, and people would understand that and recognize the extraordinary intelligence we were gifted with</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">, without needing a diploma to prove it. They talked about the bullying and abuses that were perpetrated by public school and high school teachers. My mother described at length times that she was publicly humiliated in class by her teachers, and how she could not stand the public schools and that they were protecting us from those abuses. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">As a girl though, there were really no plans for me to have a future at all. Other than vague mentions of a husband and kids in my future, it wasn't discussed. Even the emphasis on me needing to be able to cook, clean, and help raise my siblings was mainly openly rooted in my parents' need for my help, and it was not even masked as 'training for the future' except to outsiders (conservative fundamentalist outsiders). </span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Oddly, sometimes when I talked about wanting a career, it wasn't really shot down, and my parents told me to trust their education system and I would get where I wanted. They brought back the line that I was incredibly smart and special, and that satisfied me and I believed it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">My brothers were told they could have any career they wanted, without college. They were told that someone would hire them or they could have their own businesses, all without college or even finishing high school. They said that years of education was part of the new age government control system and we needed to break free. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Due to the chaos in my childhood home, both of my close in age brothers did not achieve more than an average of a grade 8 or 9 education. They have spent time as adults earning a GED, with various rates of success. They most certainly were not granted excellent careers on the basis of being special and homeschooled. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Because I attended high school against my parents' wishes and also went to university, my story is different, however I can still speak to the impact of the anti-college attitude. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Because there was no direction in my life, with no real hopes and dreams, until I was 17, I didn't see the point of pursuing much education at all. What line should be drawn on when to end the homeschooling process when the goal is not college? So I did not resist when my parents stopped making an effort to educate me. I did not advance at all academically between age 10 and age 12. I made some more progress at age 12, but once I was 13 or 14 their impact on my education was pretty much over. I continued to read Bob Jones textbooks until I was 15, and wrote down answers on my own, but it was for myself, no one checked them. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I did not complete a grade 8 education at that time. I was not taught math past grade 6 until I went to high school at age 17. I never had any intention of pursuing a high school education until the year I turned 17, although I had a vague plan to go to university. The year I turned 17, my grandparents told me that I wouldn't be able to go to university without a secondary education. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">So I went to school, and I struggled. I struggled with ambivalence, knowing that it wasn't what my parents wanted me to do, and some doubt because of the message I had received that I was special and shouldn't have to prove it. But the courses were hard and unlike my experience with the Bob Jones textbooks, guessing didn't work, especially with math. I had two dear math teachers who did a phenomenal job, but it's hard to describe the crushing feeling of inadequacy you experience when you find out at age 17 that the 14 year old students are more educated than you. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The ambivalence followed me into university. I was only at the highschool for two and a half years, not nearly long enough to reverse all the messages about how unnecessary higher education was. I still tried for a while to guess and at least prove to myself that I already knew everything and didn't need to learn. Because I didn't learn how to build and maintain a career from my parents, since they did not do this, I felt guilty about having that as a goal. I felt guilty because it somehow felt arrogant, and I still had some feelings of inadequacy. I felt guilty because I was also proud of myself and felt guilty about the pride. I was also a bit afraid, because people warned me that higher education corrupts; although they seemed just as worried about the high school being corrupting as they were about university. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I finished university, and it turns out I was quite academically inclined. But not special. I still needed to learn, and to do that I had to learn how to learn first. I think that some people who are believers in homeschooling might read this and think that I needed to learn how to learn to fit into the public school mold, but that is not what I mean. I was able to learn as much as my mother was able to teach me; basic reading, writing and arithmetic. I believe there is such a thing as academically successful homeschooling, and in those cases those students continue to learn how to learn as their ability to process increasingly more complex information progresses. When children are not taught how to learn, or when there are other circumstances that disrupt that process, such as abuse, their progress can become stalled. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Growing up with parents who have negative attitudes towards education can remove motivation from bright young students, when there is nothing to strive towards. It can create confusion when students do decide to pursue education. And for those that internalize those messages, and do not pursue education, the cost is high. Without an education, it is hard to get jobs. Where I live, even Subway and McDonald's ask that you either have a high school diploma or show that you are working on one. Getting into a trade can also be difficult, as most of the trades jobs eventually require you to get a "ticket" which means going to school, and if you haven't learned how to learn and test, you won't be able to succeed in the trade program either. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Although some workplaces look at experience, moving up in companies and getting promotions can be heavily based on education as well, meaning that even those with experience can stay in entry level positions (at entry level wages) because of lack of education. Saying that one was homeschooled will not get someone a job or a promotion, and if people have not excelled in the learning process and become critical and reflective thinkers, their people skills and self management will also suffer. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Even a girl who is raised in a conservative home and wants to be a homeschooling mother needs to know how to learn, and has to have learned enough to effectively homeschool her children. She needs to be reflective and a critical thinker in order to manage a home and a family, and to juggle the responsibilities of <wbr></wbr>teaching and parenting effectively. She will need to be able to learn how to parent, and how to deal with it if a child has special needs. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The stakes are high, and an education holds more weight than just a piece of paper. </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-72118706992223256872014-10-03T19:33:00.001-07:002014-10-03T19:36:55.644-07:00Socialization and Psychological Maltreatment: Isolating Children and Teenagers<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>This post deals with parents isolating and controlling their children’s
social interactions; of course my parents and many other homeschooling parents
have engaged in many other forms of control, but this is one that people don't
seem to realize is a problem. Below, I give some examples of social isolation
and control in my own life, and then reference work from Roberta Hibbard, Jane
Barlow, and Harriet MacMillan to show how social isolation can be a serious
problem for children who are subjected to it.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> As I have said in previous posts, many of
the people who were involved with my family over the years still don't really
get what the problem was. They will admit that my parents were a bit
overprotective. Depending on the day they might even admit that my parents were
controlling. But they always cycle back to trying to convince me that my
parents were just doing their best, just trying to keep us safe. Then sometimes
the same people concede that not everything was perfect but assure me that my
father has changed. I don't spend much time around people who think they are in
a position to re-write my history for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Once when I was about 15, I was something
like friends with the neighbour girl. She was about 2 years older than me, and
very conservative (more so than we were, in some ways - they attended a very
conservative Mennonite church). Her parents and my parents ran in the same
circles and spent time together talking about fundamentalism </span></div>
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(not their word).
Her dad had a home business, and one day she called and asked if I wanted to go
with her to a little hamlet about 15 minutes away to pick up a part with her
for her dad. My dad turned this invitation into a really big deal. He told me I
had to ask her if I could call back in a few minutes so we could discuss it. I
hadn't been out of the house for days, and I really wanted to go on this 30
minute adventure with her.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I sat down with my parents, and they went
over how they felt I had behaved over the past while, pointing out instances of
rebellion and ways I could have tried harder in helping out around the house.
In reality, I was a full time mini-mom, I cooked and cleaned and homeschooled
my siblings and gardened and changed diapers. I wasn't being taught anything
anymore, although I was still being "homeschooled" I didn't say any
of that to them. I displayed appropriate contriteness and promised to mend my
behaviour, and I was allowed to go. They selected several chores I would need
to complete before going, and said she could pick me up in an hour. I called
her back, very excited, and she reacted with confusion. It was just a short
trip to grab something and she just wondered if I wanted to come. Furthermore,
it was an errand she needed to run quickly for her father, and she had not
planned to wait even the fifteen minutes it had taken for me to call her back,
much less another hour. She went and checked with her dad, and he agreed he
could wait an hour if that meant I was able to go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> This is the problem: when a teenager is
"homeschooled" like that, not really doing school work anymore, and
spending most of their time being the assistant mother, it actually costs the
parents for the child to do something that doesn't serve the family. And I want
to be clear, although my parents were notably controlling, it wasn't just them,
there are quite a number of girls that I knew at that age that experienced a
similar level of control. Every chance I had to get out of the house was
treated with exaggerated importance. And then my parents have that added power
to exhort even more compliant behavior.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I could give so many more detailed
examples of this, like the time I "lost all privileges" (of which
there were few) for being a few minutes late getting back when I went with
another neighbor Mennonite girl into town to - wait for it - drop off her
mother's homemade quilts to customers. My father decided what a reasonable time
was for this errand that had nothing to do with him at all, and I had the girl
rush me home in a cold sweat when I realized I would be late. This errand was
one that was planned in advance, and I had to earn the privilege to go with
days of displaying a perfect attitude, and days of hard work. And being a few
minutes late meant I lost the ability to go anywhere for months. My father
allotted two hours for the trip, and we were about 20 minutes out of town. That
gave us 1 hour and ten minutes to do all her errands for the quilt business.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> I know a number of Mennonite teenagers
from a certain church when I was 14-15 and my brother and I were invited to
their youth groups. We also wanted to attend church with them on Sunday
evenings. My parents treated each weekly occurrence of these activities as
special privileges that they arbitrarily allowed us to earn sometimes but not
others. I often wanted to go to someone's house after church, or have someone
over, but my father would not give advance permission, or even answer me if I
asked him after church. He would sometimes turn to me in the van as we were
leaving the parking lot and tell me that I could have someone over, or that if
someone wanted me over I could go. By then, everyone would already have plans
so I sometimes went back to the group and pretended to ask, and that no one was
interested. I was too embarrassed to try to make plans at that point. If I
refused to go over, he would be upset with me and say that I didn't really want
that privilege and shouldn't be wasting his time asking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> My parents were able to pass this
behaviour off as protective. And technically that is true, I suppose. So what
is the problem?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> First of all, the way they restricted my
social activity, including Sunday night church, really skewed my concept of
social interactions. Social activities were something that I coveted and
dreamed about, but experienced so rarely that I didn't know how to handle
myself. I tried to be funny and make people enjoy being my friend, which of
course just made me seem odd. I felt envious of others my age that were allowed
to have regular social interactions. Those with a more normal social life seemed
more well-adjusted then me, and I felt this when I was with them, which
increased my feelings of inadequacy. I felt like those with normal privileges
were more important than me, because I was sometimes put in the position to try
and solicit their attention and invitations. This skewed my sense of value of
myself and others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Because I had to behave so carefully in
order to get a chance to take part in a social activity, there was a sense of
fear attached to other people, especially other teenagers. It also increased
the sense of control that my parents had over me; before I was interested in
spending time with other youth, there wasn't much that I wanted, that my
parents could actually provide, that I was motivated to work for, and our
family was reaching a point of chaos that meant that there wasn't much parental
approval to work towards. So I was motivated to perform my duties at home
purely to get out and see other youth. My parents kept me fearful and off
balance by sometimes allowing this and sometimes taking away the privilege with
no explanation. My father said that if I didn't know the privilege was being
taken away, maybe I needed to lose more privileges in order to learn to respect
him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> The biggest problem I have with this
control over social interactions is that it stifles the learning of social
lessons. It is a form of child maltreatment to teach a child to act in an
abnormal way, and therefore a form of neglect to not teach them lessons that
they will need to function in adult life. I simply didn't get enough exposure
to other people as a child and teenager, and the skewed value of other people
and of social interactions meant that I didn't learn how to be a friend. I
didn't know how long a visit with a friend should last, and I didn't know how
to see that a visit was reaching an end. In fact, it was so hard for me to get
out that when I was out, I often overstayed my welcome. It also impacted my
ability to build planning and decision making skills.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> In their report titled "Psychological
Maltreatment" in "Pediatrics", Hibbard, Barlow, and MacMillan
provide a table outlining six different categories of child maltreatment (find
it <a href="http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/130/2/372/T1.expansion.html">here</a>).
According to this table, the simple act of confining a child and restricting
their community social interactions is a form of maltreatment likely to result
in social maladjustment. Under the heading of exploiting/corrupting, there are
two descriptions that my parents fulfilled: "<span style="background: white;">Modeling, permitting, or encouraging antisocial or developmentally
inappropriate behavior" by</span><span style="background: white; color: #403838;"> </span>not allowing me to develop appropriate
social behavior, and "restricting/undermining psychological autonomy"
by not providing opportunities for me to learn to plan and make decisions in
social interactions with enough information.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Isolating children and not allowing them
to interact with other children and youth is a form of psychological
maltreatment. Not allowing children enough opportunities to learn how to behave
in social situations and not providing them with opportunities to plan and make
decisions in social situations is psychological maltreatment in the
exploiting/corrupting category. "Socialization" was a joke to my
parents, as it was and is for many homeschooling apologists, but the different
aspects of isolation are easily categorized as psychological maltreatment.
Hibbard, et al, state that psychological maltreatment may result in a child
feeling that they are unloved or only valued for what they provide to the
parent, even if the parent did not intend to cause harm. They state that the
effects of this maltreatment can include problems with adult attachment,
including attachment to their own children, and trouble with conflict
resolution in adulthood. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> If a woman is to have a career and friends
of her own, she will need these skills. Even if one ascribes to the school of
thought that the purpose of women is to get married and stay at home with
children, it should be clear that this type of isolation will not result in
girls growing into well-adjusted stay at home mothers. To succeed in such a
role, women will need to have social skills, planning and decision making
skills, conflict resolution skills, and good attachment in order to have good
relationship with their husbands and children. If a woman is to engage in some
type of out of home employment before getting married, these skills will vital
in that setting as well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Socialization is not a joke; it provides
several essential skills for adult life in various settings. Isolating children
and youth is not a joke, it is psychological abuse, and can have serious
consequences for those who experience it. </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-72370439432125043712014-06-12T14:46:00.001-07:002014-06-12T14:52:41.810-07:00Navigating the Justice System Part III: As a Young AdultPlease see also <a href="http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2014/01/navigating-justice-system-alone-at-9.html">Navigating the Justice System Part 1: Alone at Age 9</a> and <a href="http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2014/02/navigating-justice-system-part-ii-when.html">Navigating the Justice System: When my Parents Went to Court</a><br />
<br />
When I was about 17, I <a href="http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2013/09/how-i-left-my-parents.html">moved out</a>. Once it was truly clear to me that what happened in my home was abusive and not normal I decided to try to end the abuse for everyone. I started making regular calls to Children's Aid on my father. I had to get help making these calls because Children's Aid did not take my calls seriously because I was perceived as a disgruntled daughter (I was a disgruntled daughter, I suppose - but it didn't negate what I had to say). There had already been multiple closed investigations on my family, and my parents presented as godly people who were just doing the best they could do with very little money and terribly rebellious children (although the social workers were always impressed with our obedience). I had help from guidance counsellors at my high school, and from the family I was staying with.<br />
<br />
This process exacted a steep personal cost. I had to relive what had happened constantly, and I worried that if this bid for freedom<br />
<a name='more'></a> for all my younger siblings failed, and my parents found out, I would be cut off from them forever. My father had always threatened to pack everyone up and move to Mexico in the middle of the night, and I was afraid that if CAS called and invited themselves over for a pre-announced visit, my father would follow through on this threat and be forever protected by his friend-of-a-friend counterparts in Mexico. This situation caused a lot of pain for me. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts, and began engaging frequently in fairly serious self-harm, although I had done some self-harm even as a pre-teen before I knew that it was a thing. I have self-injury scars on my arms that will never go away.<br />
<br />
My self-injury served as a tangible demonstration to those who were supporting me by calling CAS, that there was a real problem that needed to be fixed. I believe that some of the thinking was that maybe if they could get an intervention in the family home, they would be able to save my younger siblings from going through the same thing. It was kind of too late to save them from the pain, but at least they could end it. CAS became convinced to take a closer look.<br />
<br />
Once another investigation was finally launched, things moved quickly. There were a few meetings, and my dad was given the option of promising to not yell at my mother or physically punish the children (this may sound <a href="http://www.responsiblehomeschooling.org/how-i-was-almost-rescued-from-abuse/">familiar</a>). They found out that he chased teenagers with garden implements, and beat kids with dowel rods and broomsticks. They only wanted that to stop. He declined this option, so he ended up being removed from the property by CAS and police. He was taken to jail and charged with child abuse for his use of unreasonable corporal punishment. He was not allowed back on the family property because my mom was there with the kids (I had also moved home) and he wasn't allowed to displace the family. We went to criminal court when I was 19. I had just started dating my now-husband, and going out for some lunch while at court was our first date. I testified, along with several of my siblings. We were given victim support this time.<br />
<br />
We testified much more clearly than we did when we were kids. We went for a few days. The judge was kind to us, and cleared the court room of anyone that we didn't want to have there. They asked us questions kindly, and didn't push us when it was hard. We only testified against my father, not against my mother. We decided as a group of teenagers that the priority was to get my father to answer for what he did, because what he did was much more serious than what my mom did, and my mom had not been physically abusive to my siblings in the time between my father's arrest, and court. The result of those court proceedings is that my father took part in a plea deal, where he pled guilty to three counts in exchange for the other six (there are nine siblings) charges being dropped.<br />
<br />
He was given a year of probation. He also had to continue going to court with my mom (family court, I believe) to work out issues of custody, but for him to get a say, he was supposed to file his own papers. He never did. He repeatedly attended court with no representation, or asked for adjournments to have more time to file papers. Eventually this ended and my mom pretty much ended up with custody and residency in the home, because of his inaction. My grandfather bought my father a car and a cell phone, and he has spent the past 7 years floating around between staying on his other property in Nova Scotia, and living with his like-minded friends in Ontario who allow him to live in their houses with their children, or to set up a shed or camper in their back yards. He still has no concept that he did anything wrong at all.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-19328517535020479322014-04-30T12:58:00.001-07:002014-04-30T12:58:36.296-07:00How I Was Almost Rescued from AbuseA few months I wrote a post called <a href="http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2014/01/navigating-justice-system-alone-at-9.html">Navigating the Justice System Part 1: Alone at 9 Years Old</a>. This post is the story of what it was like for me to experience a Children's Aid investigation and a court case, from my perspective as a child. It skips pretty quickly over what the social workers were like and what they did, and I didn't talk very much about the involvement of other agencies and groups.<br />
<br />
The <a href="http://www.responsiblehomeschooling.org/">Coalition for Responsible Home Education</a> is an organization that advocates for homeschooled children. Their mission is "to raise awareness of the need for homeschooling reform, provide public policy guidance, and advocate for responsible home education practices". Their vision is "for homeschooling to be a child-centered educational option, used only lovingly prepare young people for an open future".<br />
<br />
The CRHE has started a blog on their website, and with some collaboration from CRHE personnel, I have written a piece that has been posted on their blog, called <a href="http://www.responsiblehomeschooling.org/how-i-was-almost-rescued-from-abuse/">How I was Almost Rescued from Abuse</a>. In this post I elaborate on what the social workers were like, and I provide a more thorough explanation of the rationale behind the court cases and what the goals were. Rather than posting the text here, I encourage you to click on the link in this paragraph and visit the CRHE to read the post.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-5039593217483435192014-03-30T19:52:00.001-07:002014-03-30T19:52:30.686-07:00The Cupcake PiñataI want to share a very simple little story about something that was a precious moment for me.<br />
<br />
When I was a child, we didn't really have birthday parties, although my mother did make an effort most years to cook a favourite meal for the birthday child. When I was really young, we did have a party or two with a few friends invited and a special meal, but eventually as we became more isolated by the homeschooling, there weren't really friends to invite, and there was no money for extras like birthday meals when my father was just not working. So in my last few years before I left home, all our birthdays were barely noticed, much less celebrated, except by my mom quietly making a preferred meal from pre-set options and often no cake, or a very plain one with no icing. Birthdays could be a cause for concern for us, since we also were fair game to be confronted about whether we had matured into more godly children in the past year or not, and there was no safe way to answer that question. We were also sometimes taunted by the chance of a birthday party or a coveted gift if we behaved well enough. This was never really a possibility, and we would always lose that privilege no matter how good we were, since the money literally did not exist for it.<br />
<br />
I became a little resentful about birthdays and birthday parties as I became an adult, because not only were birthdays not special, they represented a loss. I had been to a few normal birthday parties as a child and just couldn't be happy for those kids when I would never get that myself. Seeing someone have a nice birthday party became a difficult thing for me. I explained this my non-fundamentalist husband, who along with millions of North American children, apparently had birthday parties. He was a little surprised by this, and decided to do something about it.<br />
<div>
<br />
My husband threw me a kid's party for my 24th birthday, because I never got one. He invited friends over, and ordered a very pink cake that said happy birthday on it. He stuck a ton of candles in it and lit them all. He set up our kitchen and living room with pink and white streamers all over, and blew up balloons and hung them from ribbons all over the downstairs area of our house. He made some kind of supper, I can't even remember what it was, the party was so exciting. And the best part of my party was the cupcake piñata. It was huge, at least two feet in diameter. It had a colourful "wrapper" base, and "icing" on top covered in sprinkles. He filled it with candy rockets and jolly ranchers and suckers and Hershey's chocolates and little plastic dinosaurs. We hung it in the doorway between the dining room and the living room and he videotaped us hitting it until it cracked open, and then we had little goodie bags and gathered up all the loot.<br />
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I didn't really eat a lot of the smashed piñata candy, but being given that experience at 24 years old was such a healing day for me. I still don't like it that I missed that part of childhood, but I am not hurt by that any more because the thing that I had lost was given to me. He gave me a piñata for my birthday last year too, I am coming up on my 26th birthday this year. Who knows, maybe I will get another one.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-11261985068570967102014-02-02T16:38:00.002-08:002014-02-02T16:49:32.976-08:00Navigating the Justice System Part II: When my Parents Went to CourtSee also: <a href="http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2014/01/navigating-justice-system-alone-at-9.html">Navigating the Justice System Part I</a><br />
<br />
This part of Navigating the Justice System deals with a time in my life when my parents went to court and I didn't, but I am including it in the middle of a three part series since it hinges them together. Here is what happened when my parents went to court:<br />
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When I was about 11, we were living in Ontario, where we had moved to get away from the court proceedings in Nova Scotia. However, my parents had been ordered to appear back in court in Nova Scotia. We had been going a conservative church in Ontario, for about a few months to a year. My parents talked to some of their friends in the church, and the decision was made to "farm out" the kids to various families<br />
<a name='more'></a>while my parents were away, for about 10 days. I was pretty excited about this, because I was always helping to look after my siblings, and I thought it could be a fun break for me. My parents sent my two close-in-age brothers to stay with a family on a farm, which they didn't mind too much. They sent my next younger sister to stay with a family with a number of young children, with a daughter that was close to her age. They didn't consider that that daughter bullied my sister.<br />
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They sent me to an older couple with grown up children, along with the youngest two sisters. They took my youngest brother at the time with them. The two younger girls were very young, so they were not potty-trained and showed some signs of what I now know to be disrupted emotional development. (I would like to note here that these girls have grown up into wonderful young ladies). So the couple agreed to take them for the ten days only if I went there too, so I could change their diapers, and look after them. I suppose this wasn't that much different from home life, but the lack of supervision at home meant I could make some of my own decisions and revel in some 11 year old laziness. While I was there, I had to do quite a bit of work. I washed their eggs for their egg business, got up before the girls so that I could change them and dress them before they disturbed the family, and usually got the girls their breakfast and did the dishes. I did laundry and other chores also, but I was always responsible for the girls too.<br />
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I was expected to keep the girls in the same room all the time and watch them. I don't know what month it was, but it was some time in the summer, since we went outside at certain times too. The girls weren't used to that kind of structure, since while my parents were extraordinarily controlling, they also had a notable lack of control in daily life, with no structure, no schedule, and the only rule really was to not upset the parents, and do everything they specifically demanded immediately. I think that this couple disapproved of my siblings' behavior and my parents' parenting style and methods, and decided that they could fix it. But it doesn't work to take an 11 year old or even toddlers and suddenly change everything about how they do life in ten days. They talked to me about how I should behave and what I should be doing in daily life, and to respect my parents, but they also spoke negatively about my parents.<br />
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It was very confusing for me as an 11 year old. I knew that my parents were going back to court but I didn't really understand it. I kind of hoped that they would go to jail while they were there, but then I was afraid I would be stuck with this couple, raising my two siblings forever. I had also been extensively isolated so I did not know how to function well around other people all the time, and they made fun of that. I was very awkward. I suppose I also showed signed of disrupted emotional development. My mom and the lady decided that I should keep a diary while I was there, but the lady read what I wrote every day, and then my mom read it when they returned. I felt like I had no privacy, so I only recorded what we ate, and when we went out for groceries.<br />
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I do not blame this couple, but it was after I returned home that I started to really experience depression. I didn't want to go to church anymore, and I didn't want to have friends. I still was forced to go to church, not that I tried to argue, it wasn't optional. Being with this family really taught me what other people in the church thought of us, and I knew there was a good chance that everyone talked about us like that. It also caused a great deal of conflict for me. On one hand, I was angry that they tried to impose so much structure, but on the other hand I realized that if I complied with the structure, it would be peaceful, and that was not how it was at home. Because there were no predictable rules at home, it could never be peaceful. I think as a child I wanted to have the best of both worlds: the comparative freedom of having no supervision at home, the power of being in charge when my parents were gone all the time, but also the peace in the presence of authority figures. The couple we stayed with never hit me or yelled at me or my siblings, just expressed "disappointment" if I didn't live up to their expectations.<br />
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Being around this family 24/7 also really emphasized to me that I was socially awkward, and I felt like my actions and words were on display for constant scrutiny. It wasn't even that I felt I couldn't do anything right, but I didn't even know what the right thing was. I think it was obvious to them that something was wrong in our family, and I wish that the couple had used that knowledge to get us some help, instead of becoming part of the oppression. Every week when we saw them at church after that, I felt exposed, like they knew something bad about me. They were disappointed because they thought I would have some sort of connection with them after I went home, but I didn't. This experience really reinforced for me that adults had all the power and that no one would help me, and that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. That I was the problem.<br />
<br />
My parents were finished with court and didn't go back to court. I don't really know what the resolution to that was. I just know that it was a terrifying time for me, and I don't think it was right that I was put through the knowledge that they were going to court, and that it had to do with parenting, but I wasn't made privy to the resolution. It also makes me very suspicious about the outcome. I also think it wasn't right for the church to have that window into our family problems and not do anything about it. I know it should be surprising, as it is very difficult to risk being the whistleblower when surrounded by others who do not seem to recognize the problem, but if any one of those three families who got glimpses into the mental health status of my siblings and I had chosen to do something, it could have saved us from the six years of suffering that was to come.<br />
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Please watch for Navigating the Justice System Part III: As an Adult<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-8837703901841277042014-01-18T19:31:00.001-08:002014-02-02T16:40:00.589-08:00Navigating the Justice System Part I: Alone at 9 Years Old<i>Trigger Warning: please click away from this page if you will be triggered by content that deals with child maltreatment and its consequences.</i><br />
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<i>If this is the first Feminist in Spite of Them post you have read, please consider reading <a href="http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2013/09/how-i-left-my-parents.html">this</a> either before or after.</i><br />
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When I was about 9, my parents were investigated by Children's Aid. Social workers came out to talk to us. They met with us and found out that my parents spanked as punishment - which made sense since my parents had posted "The 21 Rules of This House" next to the dining room table. They came back a few times and spoke to each of us children. My parents homeschooled and they questioned whether we were getting an adequate education <br />
<a name='more'></a>and whether abuse would be identified easily enough without regular contact with other people. One day they came with police cars and two police men and took most of us to the police station and interviewed us on video. My parents left the youngest with friends and came to the police station too but we didn't see them all day.<br />
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I don't know what my siblings said in their interviews, but I had always been taught to be very honest so I answered all their questions honestly, which was hard because I had also been carefully taught to not divulge family business to strangers. The information I gave outlined clearly that we were spanked, when we disobeyed or showed a bad attitude, with an object that was somewhat anthropomorphised in our home: "the rod". My parents also practiced time-outs like shutting children outside in the evening for several hours for not eating all their dinner. I trusted that my parents were acting appropriately, since that is what they told me when they did it, so I presented it as fair and reasonable, and did not see a reason to hide anything. They told me what abuse was and asked if I was abused. I responded that technically we were because of the punishment methods but it was not abuse because it was Biblical. We were sent home with our parents. They asked my parents to promise to not spank and they were very resistant.<br />
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A while later, we went to court. I went to court three separate times. As far as I can remember, I went to family court one day, and then later on I testified two days at a higher or different level of court across the hall.<br />
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I don't really understand the reasoning that led to this situation, but I was interrogated in court by the prosecutor in family court as a reluctant witness to my own parents' abuse. I testified that I loved my parents and I wanted to be spanked when I disobeyed. I wasn't quite sure about that but that was what my parents and their lawyer and all their friends told me to say. Please note that I was sent home with my parents after court and although I spent a few days away from my parents they were able to choose were I went, and they chose a family friend who reinforced my parents' beliefs. At least two of my brothers may have also testified in that court. I believe that my parents and their lawyer offered us up to testify, but I am not sure. Part of the reason I believe that I was there by the choice of my parents is because we did not receive any kind of victim witness counselling or preparation, and I don't think that my parents could have declined on my behalf if I was there as a victim of their actions. They should have not been allowed to decline in any case.<br />
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I may as well have been alone the whole time. My parents were absorbed in their case, their lawyer treated me as a pawn, and anyone else involved were concerned that my parents might be punished for their actions. I am unclear on the outcome of that case, but my mother tells me that the judge threw that case out but that children's services tried again from a different angle and that was why there was another prosecutor and case across the hall.<br />
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In that court, I was more reluctant to answer questions, things had changed for the worse at home since the first court and I was far more unhappy. We weren't being schooled anymore, there was another new baby on the way, and there was more yelling and beating instead of rational spankings. I was not happy at home anymore. My father was sitting only a few feet in front of where I sat in the stand, and frowned every time I spoke. I had gotten in trouble for some things I had said in the first court, and my parents were so incensed by what two of my brothers said in the first court that they somehow made sure they did not testify again. My answers were inconsistent so the judge decided to bring out the taped interview taken at the police station that I mentioned earlier.<br />
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I was very afraid of what would happen if my father saw that video I had made at the police station outlining his punishment methods, and I knew I had to go home with him. I protested persistently, begging the judge to not play the video, but I couldn't tell him why, with my dad sitting a few feet away. I was removed from the courtroom by the bailiff. He was this hugely intimidating man and I was really afraid of him, but he was actually really nice and expressed his outrage about the whole thing, even though I didn't understand what he meant at the time. He took me to a small room with my mom and a friend of hers.<br />
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The judge showed the video to the courtroom, and the bailiff brought me back when it was done. The judge asked me what my story was, if I wanted to stick to my very inconsistent story of a loving family, or if I stood by the police interview that outlined what legally qualified as abuse, depending on interpretation. I didn't know what to do and I was very traumatized by the experience, to the point that I cannot remember how it ended and I got out of there. I am not sure if the judge decided to discount my testimony or if he took the whole scene as evidence of abuse.<br />
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The truth is, I was abused. I was told what to think and how to think it. I was a somewhat compliant child, but I witnessed my other siblings rebel with terrible consequences. I was afraid of what was going to happen all the time, and it felt like I couldn't breathe sometimes. Being put into a situation where I had to defend the actions of my own parents created a claustrophobic conflict for me. Even before court, I wasn't happy. I wasn't treated well. I had to give up my own wishes all the time even when it wasn't reasonable, I had to help take care of younger children, I had to bargain for my own education as a child under ten. Periodically my parents' beliefs completely changed and most of my possessions would be disposed of because they didn't comply with the new beliefs. I walked around with suicide notes in my pocket. We had to ride around in a big van with no windows and couldn't see out, so I always thought we were going to die, and I was ok with that at 9 years old. Life was too hard and too long, and there was nothing good.<br />
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After court was over and my parents packed us out and secretly moved us to another province, everything got much worse. By moving away from the child protection case they moved away from all consequences and started over again in a more conservative church and a more isolated property. I blamed myself for not somehow making sure we got sent to foster care during the court episode, and I spent my pre-adolescent years as a self-harming desperate little adult in a child's body.<br />
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For more reading on my parents' beliefs, please click <a href="http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2013/08/my-parents-believed.html">here</a>.<br />
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There is an outrageous lack of support for children who are put in the position of navigating the justice system, and there is not a great deal of information on the consequences for the children. If you would like to add to the conversation in any way I welcome your comments.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-74219891120671549642014-01-11T20:47:00.003-08:002014-01-18T19:36:51.751-08:00A Call for Inclusion in the Survivor CommunityThere has been a bit of a ripple this weekend regarding a <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/a-call-for-precision-benjamin-keils-thoughts/">post</a> that was published on <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/">Homeschoolers Anonymous</a>. This post is written by someone who was homeschooled in a positive way, and has attained a higher level of education. He gave some recommendations for how survivors should be writing their stories. His main points are not false, he gives a solid explanation of the difference between narratives, philosophical statements, and empirical evidence. From a casual reading, his content is solid. However he goes on to explain that these claims need to be kept separate, or the movement will suffer.<br />
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We need to recognize <br />
<a name='more'></a>that everyone who self-identifies as an abusive/neglectful homeschool survivor is in a different place. If a requirement is made that people who wish to tell their stories must write them to an academic standard determined by someone who is not an abusive homeschooling survivor, we as a community run the risk of restricting possession of a voice to those who meet an academically rigorous standard. Many bloggers start out by writing their story for their own cathartic <br />
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1692273286247072089" name="more"></a>benefit, and then share it on the internet to help build the narrative.<br />
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Many bloggers including myself try very hard to avoid making statements without evidence, and try to differentiate between what part is our narrative, and what part is empirical evidence. Personally I do use empirical evidence in my posts, and cite it appropriately. I do not necessarily avoid making philosophical statements, because I believe that people have the right to their own opinion in matters of philosophy. Certainly the bloggers and advocates who are radically pro-homeschooling present their philosophy as truth, but I think it still clear when a statement is philosophical in nature. Some of them do sometimes present guesses and statements as empirical evidence (like this as Heather <a href="http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2013/december/normal-drama-free-totally-healthy-christian-homeschool-move.html">posted</a> on HA).<br />
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Not everything on my blog is empirically based, and I have grown in my understanding of the past since I started blogging. I have gone back and put some author's notes in place, but I am not editing out statements and opinions that I presented early in my blogging, because this blog represents my story and understanding across time. Some other bloggers present their ideas with more and less clarity and empiricism. I do not think that these different styles and levels of accuracy take anything away from our community, but introducing the specter of <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/when-precision-is-a-red-pen/">the red pen</a> might result in fewer stories being told by those who may experience new fear about their own story because they have been denied their story for their whole lifetime.<br />
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Telling a survivor story of this type goes against a lifetime of teaching to comply, conform, and protect the status quo. We need be purposeful in our inclusion of stories, whether they match an arbitrary standard or not. People need to be able to start telling their stories no matter where they are in their healing, and it would be good to be mindful of the fact that some survivors of educational neglect may not meet an academic rigor and polish standard, but it is these stories that really really need to be added to the plethora of narratives.<br />
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A plural of narratives does not add up to empirical data, but its does add up to a plethora of narratives, and as more survivors come forward and share their narrative, it will become harder and harder to reject each narrative as an anomaly. Denial of abusive homeschooling survivorship is a serious issue, and becoming elitist and selective about sharing stories contributes to the denial. For whose benefit should all the stories be empirical and polished? A number of polished empirical articles will not in and of itself change the face of abusive homeschooling, just like a large number of narratives would not change it. But an abundance of both types of posts (usually not divided into such tidy categories) bring the need for a closer look to the attention of the survivors, and hopefully, at some point, to the attention of lawmakers.<br />
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Let's reach out as a community for more stories that need to be told.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-65471888009094874912014-01-04T16:20:00.001-08:002014-01-04T16:22:49.859-08:00Two Messages that Children Internalize that Contribute to Bullying in Patriarchal Church and Homeschool Groups Homeschooled children sometimes experience bullying from peers. Part of this stems from the messages that children <a href="http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2013_07_01_archive.html">absorb about themselves</a>.<br />
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1. C<b>hildren respond to the tiered authority by</b><b> owning the message that they are the not as good as other people and exist to serve people who appear to be more powerful than they are;</b><br />
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<b>2. Children respond to the opposite message that they are the best and brightest and most privileged and enact that power on others. </b><br />
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I have mentioned the issue of bullying in homeschool groups in passing in a previous post, but bullying in homeschooling families and homeschool groups is a serious issue. In a well-meaning homeschooling family from a conservative background, there are several patterns, such as adherence to patriarchal family systems and the sense of responsibility held by the parents to teach their children to succeed in life and grow up to be adults with the same mindset and goals as the parents. There is also often a commitment to having a large family. This creates <br />
<a name='more'></a>unique family power dynamics. Depending on how the family works, they will send a message to their children that corresponds with one of the point above: that the child is valued and special, or that the child is part of a plan that has nothing to do with the child.<br />
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Socialization has become almost a joke to both sides of the homeschooling debate, but the reality is that children who are homeschooled spend less time with other non-siblings, and sometimes this is even the goal of homeschooling. <b>In patriarchal families, children are often authority-tiered in birth order</b>, although preference in the ranking is sometimes given to boys. Sometimes this happens in large families due to the difficulty in parenting large numbers of children, and mothers bring in older daughters to take on various aspects of homemaking and parenting.<br />
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There is a large amount of anecodotal evidence that speaks to how damaging sibling parenting can be. There is a series posted by Heather Doney that tells the stories of <a href="https://becomingworldly.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/voices-of-sister-moms-doahfs-story/">sister-moms</a>. Many of the personal stories shared on both <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/voices/">No Longer Quivering</a> and <a href="http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/stories/">Homeschoolers Anonymous</a> also outline the difficulties of being an adult who helped raise their own siblings. <b>Children who are part of this tiered authority find themselves always as part of a ranked system</b>, which is different from the experience of children who attend school, who are grouped with peers in spite of status struggles.<br />
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Homeschool groups and church "families" are touted as a significant source of socialization opportunities for homeschooled children. However, this means that children who spend most of their time in a tiered family structure are then tossed together as an artificial peer group and left to find their own status among themselves, which is one of the things that some homeschooling parents say they are attempting to avoid. The source for the information in this post is lived experience.<br />
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<b>Children in homeschooling groups and church groups vie for status at the expense of each other</b>, just as children do in public and private schools. They put each other down, and use similar ways of determining popularity as public schooled children do, including appearance, status of parents, ownership of desired items, and overall apparent confidence levels. They sometimes use physical strength to exert control as well. Parents do not always see the bullying but it does take place.<br />
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<b>However, homeschooled children in these families are also subject to real responsibility/authority status and a tight social circle that is includes all available peers.</b><br />
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Girls sometimes compete to exhibit which is the more capable parent, and it is not uncommon to see these children carrying other children around, usually their own siblings or the young children of family friends. Because it is valued for girls to learn to perform homemaking tasks, girls are put on display to demonstrate proficiency in cooking and parenting, which creates resentment between peers. Financial struggles are a common problem among families with a stay-at-home mother and many children, so girls find themselves ranked in their peer groups according to whose parents have time to contribute to social activities and by common status symbols such as clothing. These families also share clothing, so children with a lower financial status have to wear the cast-off clothing of the more affluent families. <br />
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Very young boys in patriarchal families do not always realize that they are being groomed to take part in a power structure, but they do attempt to exert power over each other as much as public schooled boys do. The big difference here between public schooled children and homeschooled children is that since children tend to be part of a self-regulating system (and the parents are busy) there is not as much supervision and few complaints. As stated above, children either internalize that they exist to serve or exist to control. This results in children who are taught to stick to their ranking and do not usually object to unfairness.<br />
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<b>Mental health problems are often not identified and treated in children in these circles</b>, and some of the aspects of patriachal homeschooling life may contribute to the development of mental health disorders. This leaves suffering children even more vulnerable to bullying since children suffering from depression and similar struggles may only appear to be quiet and awkward, whereas in a public school they may have been identified as needing a teacher-mentor or recommended to see a mental health professional. An additional problem unique to church and homeschool groups that prevents children from being protected from bullying is that <b>there is no central figure that children can turn to if their life isn't working</b> like a teacher or principal. Each parent usually has faith in their own children, and all parents in the church group or homeschool group has faith in their system, and it threatens their choices if the system doesn't work, so there is simply no room for a bullied child to seek help.<br />
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<b>Please share your input regarding the differences between bullying in public schools and patriarchal church and homeschool groups!</b>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-36868017173238915872013-11-21T20:53:00.001-08:002014-01-18T19:39:24.769-08:00The TrailerLet me tell you about the trailer. My family got the trailer from another family, I remember them, but I don't know why we got the trailer. I was very young - a few years old probably.<br />
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The trailer was a little camper trailer - it used to be white - with a table in the middle that became a bed, a bed on each end, and a little kitchen set up across from the table and a little bathroom. It was fun at first to go camping, it had a green awning but it broke. It had two little steps that pulled out. We went camping in the trailer in Ontario, it was near my fifth birthday and I think we were travelling to Nova Scotia but I'm not sure. There were four kids then.</div>
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When we moved to Nova Scotia we lived in the camper in a camp ground at first. Then we lived in a rented house and my started homeschooling, I think with something called ace or a beka. Then we lived in the trailer in a little sandlot for a summer <br />
<a name='more'></a>(I am not completely sure of the order of all the houses), that's when my father got interested in fundamentalism. I don't know why and I don't know whose sandlot that was. I don't know why we moved to Nova Scotia either.<br />
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Then we lived in a house trailer in a trailer park and then a house my grandma owned, and then my father bought a property and we moved back into the trailer while a house trailer was set up with plumbing. There was no plumbing in the little trailer. There were five kids then. Then we moved into the house trailer. </div>
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Then there were seven kids and a CAS investigation we moved to Ontario and the trailer came too. We moved a few more times in various rental properties and I don't know where the trailer was then. Then there was another CAS investigation so my parents bought a property with a house in a new community and the trailer appeared on the property. There were 8 kids then. </div>
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My parents put it back behind the woods, and once we went "camping" as a family time there. Then there was another CAS investigation so my parents made us all move to the trailer except them so they could stay out the house and see if CAS came. I had to clean it because there were dead mice and dead flies and I hated it so my dad gave me gloves to touch the nice. They brought us food sometimes and came to stay for a few minutes and then went back to the house and I watched my siblings. I was 12.</div>
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Then the trailer came back to the house and it was for the boys to have camp outs if they wanted, especially when my cousins visited. Then there was another CAS investigation after I moved out when there were nine kids, and they made my father leave unless he promised not to hit the kids, so he left instead of promising that, and then he took the trailer and lived in it on sympathetic people's properties, and as far as I know he still lives in it. I haven't heard for a while. Usually in the winters some family or another makes their kids move into shared rooms together and moves him into their homes with their little kids into one of their children's rooms. </div>
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If not he stays in the trailer. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-60763397180006337402013-10-15T09:58:00.002-07:002013-10-15T09:59:30.240-07:00An Open Letter to My Former Highschool TeachersDear Teachers, October 15, 2013<br />
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When I came to the high school at age 17, I had absolutely no idea how to be a student. Many of you know by now that I had didn't know what a teacher-student dynamic was. I hope you understand that up to that point I had been around adults who mostly made stuff up as they went along, and expected respect from authority that was derived simply from being bigger and older, not from legitimate accomplishment. To a scared 17 year old, it looked the same at first, because of the authority aspect. In the three years I went to high school, I learned to respect you for the knowledge and expertise you represent. I think I was supposed to respect you simply for being teachers, adults, and authority figures, but instead I respected the time and effort it took to become teachers, and the skill and patience that kept you there.<br />
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I remember sitting in my first class, which was a grade nine math class. That was a difficult thing for me, to enter a class with people three years younger than I was. But to the teacher who taught that class, and the <br />
<a name='more'></a>second teacher who took over part way through (this was when the big math shuffle happened), thank you. Thank you for seeing my anxiety and deciding to explain to the entire class what the 8:25 bell was, even though they clearly knew. Thank you for for patiently explaining what the relationship between decimals and fractions, I really didn't know. To the librarian, thank you for making the library a safe place. I would have been very afraid of that environment and never gone there, especially because some students really avoided it, but you always said hello to me and that made me feel special even though you did that with everyone. I liked that you knew my name, it made me feel less anonymous and afraid.<br />
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To my language teachers, thank you for doing what it took to allow me to have the best swath of language courses that I could in three years. To my drama and music teachers, these classes pulled me out of my shell the most. I learned that for the first time I could be a meaningful part of something significant. You taught me to not be afraid and to simply do, and that putting myself out there was not dangerous. Thank you for recognizing my ability to create, and giving me the chance to do that with costumes. To my science teachers, thank you for creating a safe environment to learn. It was a bit of a rocky road for me, and a lot of that came out in science classes for some reason, but you were patient and somehow I never failed a science class, for which I am grateful.<br />
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To my guidance counsellors, thank you for not making me muddle through a grade nine phys. ed. class with 13 and 14 year olds and expose my complete lack of knowledge about various sports. Thank you for taking the time to place me in the appropriate levels of classes and being willing to juggle that for three years. Thank you for the time you spent listening to me and believing me, and thank you for calling family and children's services with me. Thank you for trusting that even though I didn't always know how to act appropriately, I was learning as quickly as I could, and thank for seeing that I could succeed. Thank you for not punishing me when I engaged in self-injury at school. I didn't know how inappropriate that was until you told me. I didn't actually know that self-injury was a "thing" or a big deal, I had never heard of it but I had been doing it for a decade by then.<br />
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To my principals, thank you for not suspending me or punishing me for mistakes I made, and thank you for trusting that they were legitimate errors and not deliberate. Thank you for making allowances where you did but also for drawing the line where you did. The fact that you did draw some lines and said that there were certain things I did NEED to do, helped me learn to function more fully in a society with expectations. I learned that there are provisions for when you need them, but I also learned to take responsibility and action when I was able. Thank you for recognizing how challenging school was for me, and thank you for doing it in a way that celebrated success, not difficulty.<br />
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To my English teachers, thank you for the impact you have had on my life. From Grade 11 English where you gently explained to me what an essay actually was and how to write one (I really didn't know), to writer's craft and children's literature where I had a chance to be creative, these classes allowed me to feel successful because I was able to achieve decent grades and take pride in what I wrote. You recognized when I was trying hard even if my results were not stellar. You explained to me how to improve when I was not happy with a grade. You suggested books for me to read as you started to learn more about my past. Thank you for being available to me and hearing me. Thank you for supporting me and helping me process through these classes. Thank you for letting me start off doing presentations in private but pushing me to do them to the class when you knew I was ready. Thank you for teaching me the value of writing, that positive experience is why I am able to use the written word to share my story now.<br />
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To all the teachers and other staff at the high school, thank you for encouraging me and helping me learn how to be a student. Thank you for treating me with dignity even when I didn't act very dignified. Thank you for being willing to overlook my shortcomings in exchange for investing in a brighter future. Thank you for being kind even when I was rude, thank you for knowing when to let things slide and when to push me to do better. Thank you for being gentle with me when I was going through rougher times, and thank you ever so much for taking it as a given that I would go to university. Once I reached a certain point in high school, it was not really treated by you as optional that I would go, instead it was simply a question of where and what. I owe a great deal to you. People do not always get a chance to hear about the positive impact they had with a smile or a short conversation, and this letter is intended to make sure you are aware of that impact. Thank you.<br />
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Sincerely,<br />
Sarah HendersonAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-49941138313839271682013-10-03T15:50:00.001-07:002013-10-03T15:51:51.328-07:00The Psychological Cost of not Being Provided ForChildren not getting what they want certainly does not constitute child maltreatment, and historically isn't uncommon. The societal construct of childhood has changed several times in last few centuries, with ebbs and flows in the level of freedoms, rights, and responsibilities children have at various ages.Children have not always had childhoods. However, children have always depended on their parents to provide for them. Sometimes children who are not cared for are removed from their parents, and historically some children who were not cared for died. Children who are not provided for, know. It is a painful realization that through choices made by parents of their own free will, a child was not given what was needed.<br />
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My siblings and I had more responsibilities and less rights than is considered typical in current society. Part of this including not really having our own possessions, and not being given new belongings except for a few <br />
notable occasions. We were not entitled to our own space, in fact having a right to possessions and space was contraindicated because of my parents' belief that having too many rights would make a child feel entitled and cause corruption.<br />
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It isn't the loss of possessions 'that could have been' that is the problem. The loss factor in not being "provided for" lies in the reason it happened. In the case of my family, there are several reasons that we lived an essentially impoverished lifestyle. My father did not work regularly, although he did have several different jobs for short periods of times over the years. There were simply too many children in the home to properly care for on the child tax credit. The choices my parents made, including various business attempts, meant that even when there was money, it was not spent in a way that contributed to the well-being of the individuals in the family, or the family as a whole.<br />
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My father believed that he should not have a job in an organization where a woman was in a position over him in the company hierarchy in any way, even if he never interacted with them. This belief came into play over time, as he further and further restricted his job options by becoming more strict over the years about what his interaction with women could be in the workplace. It had originally started with not being able to be a peer with a women or have an immediate supervisor who a women, and then expanded to include most organizations by default. Not having a job most of the time naturally resulted in not having enough money to provide for the family. My mother never worked because my parents believed that her place was in the home being a homemaker.<br />
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My parents disapproved of welfare, and in hindsight I realize that they would certainly have not been eligible for welfare, given that two able bodied people cannot sit at home and receive welfare. They did receive the Canadian child tax benefit, and when you have 9 children under the age of 18, it turns out that that benefit is not an insignificant amount of money - still not enough to properly care for that many children, but there was more money than we were led to believe as children. This money was spent mainly on groceries and "business expenses", and on housing costs, however my family never had very high housing costs because my parents owned properties and stacked many children into very small spaces. They also kept expenses under control by gate-keeping the use of heat and lights.<br />
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My parents had a number of businesses over the years, so many that it is difficult to keep track of all of them. There was a furnace selling business, in which my father spent a great deal of money on pamphlets and a floor model and a trailer to pull the floor model (it was the size of a garden shed), entry fees to farm shows, and advertisements, and in the end sold less than half a dozen over two years. There was a wood selling business in which my father bought chain saws and other equipment like protective pants and helmets and gloves, and then piled firewood up near the road and behind the house and sold it to passersby. The money earned through this simply could never pay for the amount of labour (child labour and his own) and start up costs. We did not burn wood in our own house.<br />
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There were yearly attempts at market gardens. These were family exercises, in which we all went out in the spring (homeschooling did not interfere with this) and dug up the garden by hand and with a rototiller that my dad spent thousands of dollars on to maintain every year - for some reason it never worked and he had to take it for servicing literally several times per year. We then put about $100 worth of seeds in the ground. Most of it never came up. My sisters and I tried to water the garden with buckets, but we couldn't water an acre of garden by ourselves. Depending on the year and what stage of child-bearing my mother was in, some of it was picked and some of it was left to rot in the garden - my father had always lost interest by this point and was off working on some other 'home business'. We never really sold much. We sometimes paid for a farmer's market booth and tried to sell there, however never earned as much as was spent on seeds. We also preserved some of it through canning and freezing.<br />
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Because of all these financial decisions, my parents did not provide the basic necessities to us. Instead they depended on the charity of acquaintances, even for such dubious items as hand-me-down underwear. Underwear for children, even 9 children, is very cheap, but my parents decided to ask other families to give us their underwear that was no longer wanted. And they did. They were also given ratty dresses and shoes and pants and shirts for the boys. We sometimes wanted new items, but we were shamed for not being grateful to the church families for giving us their castoffs, and were forced to wear the cast offs to church and thank the parent and the child who gave the clothes personally.<br />
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My parents always seemed to be able to provide for their own needs. My mother wore hand me down clothes sometimes, but usually other women made clothes for her. My father always bought his own clothes, likely from Salvation army, but it did not go unnoticed that he was allowed to not prostrate himself to others and beg for clothes. They also seemed to be able to squeeze in date nights, even when they were barely speaking to each other and we were on a steady rotation of oatmeal, rice, and rice. They sometimes bought steaks and had them after we went to bed. They always had coffee in the mornings, even when they couldn't afford anything else.<br />
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It was very hard for us to see other children get some of what they wanted and everything they needed, and even to see our own parents have what they wanted, while we were not allowed to have what we wanted. When we did have treats or get new things, we hoarded them and saved them and bragged to our siblings. We would take as much as we could of free things. Our parents tried hard to make sure that we viewed desiring things as a sin. Even expressing a desire for something was enough to put it completely out of reach. We were taught to put ourselves down for wanting things. We were taught that others were entitled to what they wanted, but we were not. Because we had to take what others no longer wanted, we felt like the trash of the church. We were taught that we wanted was not important.<br />
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The psychological cost of not being provided for was a loss of self-worth. It took many years to realize that we are worth the same as others. It was quite an experience going shopping for what we wanted in the mall. Now that I work full time, and I get cheques regularly, it is still a weird feeling to see that we have enough money for what I want - not to mention what I need. I sometimes have to force myself to see that it is ok to buy a few new shirts even if I still have some. The decision to withhold basic necessities of life and let children depend on the charity of others, by choice, is intrinsically harmful and teaches children that the world is a dangerous place. Teaching children that they are not as important as others is self-serving and abusive. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-34507499578150163072013-09-15T11:57:00.000-07:002013-09-22T10:41:11.614-07:00Differentiation and Emotional Cut-offsMurray Bowen's theories on differentiation of self, and emotional cut-offs provide an excellent lens for viewing the complex relationships that exist between family members who were raised in quiverfull and Christian patriarchal families, where the family roles are artificially skewed by religious influence and the necessity for sibling-parenting due to sheer numbers in the family.<br />
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Bowen's theory on differentiation of self describes how people are inherently dependent on each other, but how each individual needs to balance how much to conform to a group for acceptance which is a universal need, and to what extent to be emotionally independent in order to deal with unavoidable conflict without having to take sides or dissolve emotionally (you can read more about Bowen's theory here: <a href="http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/conceptds.html">http://www.thebowencenter.org</a>).<br />
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Bowen's theory of emotional cutoff describes how sometimes people with complex relationships in their families may choose to create distance from family members or declare a permanent separation from them. The theory explains that this is not always a good solution because there are patterns of relationships that are formed in childhood that dictate how the individual relates to new people in life, because they may look to new people to fill emotional roles that are inappropriate to the relationship.<br />
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I left my quiverfull family when I was 17. I was the oldest daughter (second child) of nine. For a while I remained in contact with many of the people who contributed to the safety of the patriarchal environment, including my father and leaders of the church he attended. Acceptance in a group is a universal need, but the problem arises when the cost is too great. I had not really found a new group yet at this point, but the cost of acceptance in the former group was to return home and submit to my father. That was not an option for me.<br />
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Conflict happens, it is unavoidable in order to take part in social connections. By conflict I do not mean drama or arguments, however not everyone will agree with everyone else, and there needs to be a way of dealing with this between friends or loved ones without meltdowns and emotional cut-offs, simply because instituting an emotional cut-off when the going gets rough is not a sustainable method of remaining in social connections. Even if you were surrounded by people who were willing and able to float in and out of contact on a whim related to an emotional incident, at some point a complete lack of trust will be reached and one side will not be willing to reconnect.<br />
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If a person flees from painful social and family connections to others, they will come to new relationships with a greater emotional need than is typical in a friendship. They may find others who are also looking to fill that greater emotional need in themselves, which is how co-dependent relationships are formed. This is also not a good solution because co-dependence will eventually harm someone, whether one side moves to a new co-dependent relationship and drops the other, or if they sink too far into their emotional relationship to the detriment of their own mental health.<br />
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The goal of differentiation is to avoid emotional cut-off but also stay away from inappropriate emotional connection while remaining in acceptance in a group. For me when I left the patriarchal system, I had to find a new social group to obtain acceptance from, while learning how to avoid the pitfall of an inappropriate emotional connection. Those inappropriate connections did take place, but eventually I learned what was happening and how to avoid it.<br />
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Differentiation means being able to be a whole person in spite of what is going on for other people or what negative stimulus is experienced. There is a saying that other people are not responsible for how you feel. This does not mean that people can treat each other poorly by any means, and if they are involved in a social contract that states that they will treat each other well, they are bound by that contract. Triggers and negative stimulus will happen all the time in life, it is impossible to exist in a safe vacuum without these. The bottom line though, is that you are responsible for how a trigger makes you react. Everyone is at a different place, and there cannot be an expectation that everyone will be able to take responsibility all the time. Self-awareness and growth takes time, and people deserve the help that is required to get there.<br />
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When I was working on my social work degree, I provided counselling to women who had experienced domestic violence. This was obviously a very triggering experience for me, but I was working with two very wise women who suggested that rather than hide from what was triggering me, I actively face those triggers and deconstruct them. This means that rather than dissolve emotionally when I heard a sad situation, I perform my job in that room and help the survivor process what had happened, and then later when I became sad about it, acknowledge why I was feeling sad, that it was because something happened to them and I could relate to it, instead of just feeling sad and then taking that sadness into other relationships.<br />
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There are a very large number of intricate relationships in my family. Some of us do not talk at all. Some of the siblings talk rarely. I have made it clear to a few of my siblings that if they have something that they would like to talk about, they can text me and let me know what they would like to discuss and we can do that, but that I will not take surprise phone calls from them. Interestingly, the siblings I have that arrangement with do not text and let me know when they want to discuss something. They try to call and I let it go to voicemail, and they do not leave voicemails. They just try again and again, and I usually send a text asking what is going on, and get no response.<br />
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I have one sibling I get along very well with. We do not share exactly the same views on everything, but we certainly respect each other's right to hold different views. We spend time together but respect each other's space. We have fun times but only discuss the past when we both agree to do so. I have another sibling who has quite a different lifestyle than I do, but we still get along. We discuss what is different about our views without the intention of getting the other to change her mind. We do not spend much time together because our different lifestyles put us on such different time tables and locations that it is rarely possible.<br />
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I have another sibling with which I have a more confusing relationship, and we have a relationship when she wants one. Currently she does not, although she didn't end a relationship in a dramatic fashion, more so she faded out of my life. I have three younger siblings who still live with my mother. I do not see the two little brothers much because I do not go to my mother's house. I do see my youngest sister on a regular basis, and we have a good relationship.<br />
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My relationship with my mother is complex, I am not spending social time with her. I do not have a social relationship with my father. On the few occasions I have seen him in the last several years, I have taken a moment to make sure he knows I think he is an abhorrent human being. I'm not loud about it, but he knows. I have refused opportunities to meet with him in the past several years to discuss our relationship, and he doesn't try anymore. As far as I know, it has been quite some time since he has even mentioned my existence to anyone. I have sometimes seen him around town without talking to him.<br />
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In the past, I would have described some of these relationships differently. Some of what happens in these relationships is triggering. However I believe that I am responsible for how I feel after interactions with my family. I don't think I always was responsible. I had to learn that I was responsible and learn how to take care of my own emotions, so there was a time that I was not responsible. There is also the chance that at some point there will be such an overwhelming amount of negative events and triggers that I could lose responsibility for a while. However now that I know, I am still responsible to eventually move on or to get help to do so.<br />
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People need acceptance, and people need other people. They need to take part in a social contract where they receive help and help others. It facilitates such relationships if they can take responsibility for their own emotions and be whole people in spite of what happens. No one can be perfect all the time and shouldn't feel pressured to try to be perfect. People can work toward emotional independence and an ability to stand firm in their own heads even when everyone around them is doing something that they shouldn't. Learning about yourself is a powerful enterprise.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-54021878271706999442013-09-13T16:52:00.002-07:002013-09-22T10:45:19.305-07:00Psychobiography 2010<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><i>The following is an essay I wrote in 2010 for a school project. I find it very interesting to read what thoughts and beliefs have changed since then, and what has remained the same.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My name is Sarah Henderson. I am 22 years old. I was
born in Saskatchewan, and from there moved to Ontario, Manitoba, Nova Scotia,
and finally back to Ontario again. I was homeschooled to about Grade 7 or 8,
and then at 17 I went to high school and finished in three years. I have one
older brother, four younger brothers, and four younger sisters, who were born
in various provinces as we migrated. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> I am married
to a 25 year old man. We own a house and a car, and we go to church on Sundays.
We volunteer a great deal, helping out with the youth program at our church, as
well as volunteering for Family and Children’s Services. We also volunteer a
lot for other church and community events. I am a full-time student, and my
husband works full-time nights. We have a decently clean house and entertaining
is very important to us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> My family of origin is very conservative and
religious, with very specific beliefs about family, the church, and the world.
Many of these ideas are still in my head, and even though I do not want to
subscribe to most of these ideas, I occasionally feel a twinge of discomfort
when I do not follow them. These ideas include the censure of homosexuals, and
conservative ideals about modes of dress and the order of authority in the
home, as they believe that the male is in charge of the female in almost every
situation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> My religiosity now is somewhat unsettled, as I do
believe in the basic tenets of Christianity, such as the presence of God,
Jesus, and Heaven, but I do not fully embrace many points of doctrine,
including verses such as the subservience of women, the sinfulness of
homosexuality, and other practical points such as modes of dress. However,
there is a part of me that believes the whole Bible as being a divine word, while
at the same time I exhibit attitudes and behaviours toward authority,
homosexuality, and dress that are inconsistent with some verses. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Bandura’s theory of Social Learning focused on
self-efficacy, observational learning, and reciprocal determinism (Funder,
2010). Observational learning was a big
part of my childhood. My family modeled an expectation that as a woman, I would
be submissive to men, accept everything I was taught, and look down on those
who did not follow the Bible literally. My family attended a Brethren church,
which depended on these ideas for cohesion. Because I was exposed to this
behaviour since birth, I was very immersed in this pattern of behaviour, until
about age 16. I believe that it was then that I began to realize that most
people in our part of the world dressed differently, had less restraining
attitudes about the world, and yet seemed happier and more content than I and
others in our subculture. This is another example of observational learning, as
I learned that there was another acceptable way of thinking and behaviour. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Because of my parents’ beliefs about the place of
women in the world, education for their daughters was not important. We were
homeschooled, up to about grade 8, and that was seen as all that was necessary
for a girl who would be married to someone soon anyway. There was never any
expectancy that I would undertake any kind of professional education. However,
I did not like the way I grew up, in relative poverty, and I was determined
that I would not live like that, and came to the conclusion that I would go to
university. According to Funder on page 590, “efficacies can create capacities”
(Funder, 2010). I was not prepared by my early education to go to university,
and I did not have a model to go by, but my decision that I could do it may
have created the capacity to move ahead. Since then my sense of self-efficacy
about school and life in general has increased greatly, as I have been
encouraged first by people around me to try, and then encouraged by incremental
successes to continue. These successes include securing good grades and a good
reputation at school, and getting married to wonderful man. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Bandura’s concept of Reciprocal Determinism implies
that people are influenced by their environments, but also have the capacity to
change their environment by their actions, or even simply by their presence
(Funder, 2010). I was raised in a very strict environment, but I left at age
17, and chose a different environment for myself. I chose to begin high school
at 17, which was difficult but probably one of the best environmental choices I
ever made. In that environment, I believe that I was changed by my group of
friends, and that I also changed them. I was involved with the small
Audio/Visual club in my high school, and all the members were very influential
on each other, as there were some who swore, some who were academic, and most
of them were Christian, with a few very emphatic exceptions. I was also
involved in the youth group at my church, which I chose at that time in my
life. This was a group of about 20, and contact between members also affected
the environment, just as the environment affected us, as it was calm, inviting,
and religious. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Now, as a married woman, I have more influence on my
environment than I ever did before, as I chose to get married, helped choose
where we would live, and contribute half of the determination of how messy our
house will be, and what activities we do. My environment as living with my
husband also greatly influences my behaviour. For example, I now need to choose
to clean house, cook, and spend time with husband, whereas before I was married
I was content to eat at random times, and spend time alone or just with
friends, and I simply did not make a mess to clean. I would like to clarify
that the fact that I do much of the cooking and cleaning is not due to roles,
but rather it is due to his work schedule and the fact that being in school
full time still leaves sufficient time for me to accomplish those tasks. I also
chose my church because I can attend without feeling guilty about my somewhat
mixed beliefs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Attending a new church and going to high school
afforded another example of observational learning. When I was at home all the
time, there was not enough interaction with other children to learn all the
social norms and how to make friends, so when I first started at the school and
the youth group of my current church, I was not sure how to behave or respond
to people. However, continued interaction with other teenagers showed me some
various modes of behavior, and modeling was conducted by which I learned what
behavior that the youth exhibited was accepted by other youth and adults. I
also learned how to speak out in class in this way, and about healthy (and
unhealthy) teenaged dating relationships. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> I believe that my personality greatly influences my
actions. The Big Five Personality Traits from an essential trait approach may
have been first listed by Donald Fiske. They are: openness, conscientiousness,
extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism. They were isolated using the lexical
hypothesis: there are names for the things that are most important to people
(Funder, 2010). I feel that I would score low on a measure of extraversion, as
I identify more closely with the negative correlates for that trait, including
that I am quiet, and somewhat reserved. I would score quite high in a measure
of agreeableness, as I am quite sympathetic and affectionate. I would score
extremely high on a measure of conscientiousness, as almost every move I make
is carefully thought out, and determined by my moral compass. This includes
even simple decisions such as when to write an essay, or whether or not to skip
class. I would score about in the middle for neuroticism, as I am a worrier,
and I can be anxious and emotional in an internal sense, but when it comes to
the practical presentation of this trait, I am quite stable, and I am a contented
person. I would have mixed scores in the trait of openness, as I am curious and
love to learn new things; but I am not always open to <i>trying</i> new things. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> My unique blend of these personality characteristics
makes me who I am: quiet, agreeable, conscientious, somewhat nervous, and open
within the limits of my introversion. With the Big Five Personality Traits
summing up what is widely seen to be (as much as possible) the separate
personality traits (Funder, 2010), I feel that it does sum up my personality
quite well, as my measures on the five traits can go far in predicting how I
will respond to a given situation. For example, when I walk into a class for
the first time, I am shy and reserved, so I will probably sit by myself. I am
conscientious and open to learning, which both predict that I will sit closer
to the front than many people, and pay attention. I am somewhat anxious or
nervous, which predicts that I will likely take a lot of notes in the class. I
am agreeable, so I am polite to people around me, trying to not make a
disturbance, and also eventually make friends in the class because I am helpful
and nice to others. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> I do not think that everything I believe and all my
behaviors are on a conscious level. The core concepts of psychoanalysis are
psychic determinism, which stipulates that many important mental processes are
unconscious; internal structure, which consists of the id, or emotion, the ego,
or the rational part of thinking, and the super ego, or moral compass; psychic
conflict and compromise, which involve finding a middle road in a conflict; and
mental energy, also known as libido, which imposes limitations in the mind’s
ability to process information (Funder, 2010). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Psychic determinism means that everything that goes
on in a person’s mind, and all behaviours have a definitive cause (Funder,
2010). There are often observable inconsistencies in one’s behaviour. For
example, in my behaviour, I have the inconsistency of religious beliefs that
espouse part of the Bible and dispense with other parts, which is inconsistent
because I believe that the Bible is true, and that is where I get my
information about the existence of God, and while I believe the whole Bible is
true, I hold attitudes that are contrary to, for example my acceptance of
homosexuality. From the psychoanalytic perspective, these contradictions can be
resolved, and analysis of the hidden part of the mind would discover my reasons
for holding on to some beliefs while holding attitudes that are incompatible
with accepting the whole Bible. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> The internal structure of psychoanalytic theory
consists of the id, ego, and superego, or, as explained above, the emotional
drive, rational thinking, and moral compass. I believe that my moral compass
has changed quite drastically during my teenage years and into adulthood. As a
child, I held very strict, conservative views, and harshly judged those who
differed. Now, my moral compass still guides me in a very significant way, but
it is different from how it once was. As a full-time student, I am required to
complete various components of courses on time, and do well in them in order to
secure a grade that is acceptable for my superego. However, my id encourages me
to spend time with my husband, watch television shows, and go for enjoyable
walks. Therefore, it is the responsibility of my ego to rationalize how much
time I must use for each of these activities in order to succeed. My ego also
helps me decide that it is worth the present discomfort of not doing whatever I
want, and instead doing school, in order to avoid a future life of poverty.
This is accomplished by going to school, which should enable me to have a good
and secure job. This process between the superego knowing what is right, the id
wanting what it wants, and ego deciding the best way to play it out, is the
process known as psychic conflict and compromise (Funder, 2010). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> The current thinking on mental energy, or libido, is
that “the mind’s capacity for processing information ... is limited” (Funder,
2010). This idea makes sense to me, as it is only recently that I have been
able to sit down and think about what I think about my belief system and the
Bible, and even who I am. As a child, I had limited capacity for comprehension,
therefore I believed, without reservation, what I was taught as right and
wrong. As a teenager, I was very much caught up in dealing with situations that
students should not have to deal with. An example of this was my ultimately
successful attempt to bring my abusive father before a court. Justice was not
exactly served, but it achieved his removal from the home about five years ago,
which brought me to my next mission, which was to get my siblings into
elementary school, as my conservative father had been very against this. At that time, my mother began exhibiting
signs of emotional distress derived from her loss of my father, and being left
in charge of livelihood of the seven children remaining at home. This
development has taken up most of the last four years and occupied my mind a
great deal. However, in trying to plan my wedding amidst overwhelming and
constant family conflict, I realized that I had to do something. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> My solution to this problem is actually mentioned in
another textbook, albeit not in the most positive of terms. In the text, Family
Therapy, an overview, the Bowenian theory of family therapy is introduced, in
which emotional cutoff is discussed. Bowen characterizes this as “a flight of
extreme emotional distancing in order to break emotional ties” (Goldenberg
& Goldenberg, 2000). Just before Thanksgiving this year, I told my mother
and my five siblings that are over 13, that I would not be talking to them
again before Christmas. In congruence with the libido component of the
psychoanalytic approach, this has freed up my time and mental energy to focus
on who I am, what I believe, and what I wish to get out of life, along with
simply allowing more time to do school work and other current goals. I know
this is not a perfect or permanent solution, and I do miss my family, but there
is a point in relationships when the demand is too great. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Growing up the way that I did has presented some
unique challenges to me as a young adult. I have tried to discuss not only my
childhood but all events leading up to where I am now, as even events in the
last few years have greatly contributed to who I am now – marriage, for one.
This is a very specific challenge for me, as my rebellion against paternalism
sometimes leads me farther into feminism than what I think is truly necessary.
As I mentioned above, I would label myself as a liberal feminist, but it is
hard to control an inward sense of rebellion towards even cooperation with men.
This, of course, is something that needs to be controlled, as I cannot set
myself up for failure in my marriage because of my background with paternalism.
Just because all housework was done by women in my past and I do not like that,
does not mean that a similar situation now is brought on by the same reasons,
and it certainly does not mean that therefore he should do all the housework. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Doing this assignment has allowed a very profitable
experience in examining my behavior and my attitudes, and this is really the
first time I have thought about what I believe and do, and possible reasons as
to why. It has opened up possible motivations for behavior that I have not
considered before, such as why I cut off my family, and why I, through
observation of happy people, decided that it was acceptable to change parts of
my religious views while holding on to others. Each of the theories I used
explain a part of my personality and behavior, from exploring how I learned,
describing my personality, to examining unconscious motivation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">After finishing this psychobiography, I would say
that who I am today is shaped by my childhood, by my teenage years, and by
societal, interpersonal and economic factors, because I saw people in society
who operated differently than my family of origin, I experienced positive
social rewards for conforming to mainstream society, and having experienced a
low socio-economic status, I was driven to become a university student. I am
still a somewhat anxious person, somewhat afraid of being rejected, but as I
saw using the Big Five theory, this can work together with other factors of my
personality to make me a productive member of society, and certainly need not
affect me negatively forever, and has been improving through time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">References<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 7.5pt 7.5pt 7.5pt 30pt; text-indent: -22.5pt;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 1.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Funder,
D.C. (2010). <i>The personality puzzle</i>. New York, NY: W. W. Norton and
Company.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 7.5pt 7.5pt 7.5pt 30pt; text-indent: -22.5pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 1.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Goldenberg,
I., & Goldenberg, H. (2000). <i>Family therapy: an overview</i>. Belmont,
CA: Wadsworth/Thomson Learning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-45332235002937089972013-09-03T11:24:00.003-07:002013-09-22T10:45:35.368-07:00Self Preservation and Mental HealthIn my last post, I made a brief mention of how living in a state of survival affected my mental health. I thought it would be a good idea to expand on this issue, because in my opinion it is the crux of why having quiverfull families and homeschooling in chaos is abusive to the children involved.<br />
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As I have mentioned before, doing something that causes harm to your child is abusive regardless of your intentions or religious justification. Children are do not become raised in a vacuum. Children do not have the ability to protect their own interests, and as I have shown in a previous post, in fact unfortunately do not have the right to do so (<a href="http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2013/08/united-nations-convention-on-rights-of.html">http://feministinspiteofthem.blogspot.ca/2013/08/united-nations-convention-on-rights-of.html</a>). Therefore it is a parent's job to try to protect their children from harm as much as possible - no perfection required - and to introduce good things and reduce negative influences as much as possible. It is my belief that that most parents would not argue with this assertion, because most parents have their children's best interests in mind.<br />
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When a child is raised a quiverfull family, there is core belief involved that stipulates that older children should help raise their younger siblings. This is commonly known to those outside the quiverfull movement as the "buddy system", but survivors sometimes call this "sister-moms". The use of older siblings to care for younger siblings can cause various levels of neglect depending on how organized the family is and whether there is homeschooling involved. It is typically simply impossible for a mother of 6 or more children to recover from childbirth and unending pregnancies at the same time as being able to provide adequate care to that many children, provide adequate schooling for that many different grades, cook nutritious meals, do laundry, and keep house. Don't get me wrong, I do not object to children having chores. I do object to a ten year old child being responsible for a whole department of parenting or housekeeping, such as all cooking, or all laundry or all cleaning or all child care.<br />
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This is the difference between a child helping with chores, and "the use" of children to help raise other children or "take over" certain aspects of being a housekeeping mother. When there is a high level of chaos, the older children can become invested in running the household. Indeed, that is the goal of quiverfull families: to pass on the ideals of raising a big family and having women stay in the home and replicate the family values as soon as they are old enough. However, this emotional investment will have one of two outcomes: either the sister-mom will succeed in pulling off an inappropriate amount of responsibility in the home and move on to their own submissive marriage and many children without ever experiencing her own life, or she will fail at the vast amount of work required to raise a family as a young teen. If she succeeds, it is a tragedy.<br />
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If she fails - and many fail - she will be subject to shame by others inside and outside the family. The problem is, in order for a daughter to participate in the investment I described above, there is a certain amount of self-deception required. The girl must become oblivious to her own needs and desires, ignore her own sexuality, and truly believe in the moral obligation to participate, to the exclusion of all other life paths. Otherwise she will object to what is being taken from her.<br />
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The other important factor apart from self-deception is self-preservation. In a chaotic situation, there is difficulty in maintaining discipline, and some parents do not have the skills to do so with a few children, let alone over half a dozen. Child abuse and "squeaky wheel" parenting is very common, where children are punished for being loud and only receive help when they are insistent enough to get it but not loud enough to warrant punishment. In this type of environment, there is not enough parental supervision to guarantee good behavior, so they may depend on older children to help supervise the younger children. Sometimes this means that if younger children misbehave, the child responsible for watching them may also be punished for not preventing the infraction. When this happens, the goal becomes less about moral behavior and more about each child protecting themselves from punishment.<br />
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A sister-mom who has juggled age-inappropriate levels of chores and child care for years, and is responsible for the behavior of others, lives in a haze of survival. They do not let themselves fully absorb what is going on around them, and do not allow themselves to experience the unfairness in their lives. When a failure takes place, the entire facade crumbles down. The girl will realize that the very parts of herself, the very skills she takes pride in, are what makes her different and scarred compared to others the same age. She will realize other girls have something she does not have: an identity outside of someone else's children and ideology. If a girl fails at being a sister-mom, there is nothing left unless she makes something happen. If you have no other identity and no social skills, building these from scratch as a teenager seems like an insurmountable task.<br />
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The process of disillusionment that take place is terrifying and horrifying. Image spending several years working on something you really believed in, and investing every moment of every day in it, and believing that it was your life purpose, and one day it simply falls away. Teenaged girls in this situation are typically quite sheltered as well, and tend to not know much about depression and self-harm, which means that they are exposed to the life-changing effects without understanding what is going on, and believing that they are deficient in some way and are the only one in the world going through those feelings.<br />
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Quiverfull families are not open to exploring such issues and seeking help, and such help would be counter-productive to the goals of the idelogy. Sometimes such girls retreat from their moment of clarity back into the haze and try again. Others are given help within the ideological circle, and the girls are encouraged to suppress their feelings. Others leave. </div>
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For the ones who leave and start their lives over outside the quiverfull community, it can take years to start to feel normal. It is difficult to feel normal when you are not living the purpose you have been taught, and are no longer pursuing those goals. Another important aspect is that as a sister-mom, a girl will raise children who are not hers. When she leaves, she walks away from small children who she loves and they know her as the source of food and comfort. It is impossible to fully describe the loss this causes, and the unselfish teachings from childhood can make it difficult to move forward with one's own life when there is a huge part of the soul that is still attached to the raising and protecting of younger siblings. </div>
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When a girl starts to open up to her own life, she will start to realize how much of her life has been used up to pursue the goals of someone else. There is resentment towards both the parents and the siblings, which brings with it the conflict of not wanting to resent siblings for what they had no control over. Sister-moms are taught to not pursue their own goals and to malign typical 'worldly' goals, and it can be painful to process what is right and wrong and pick a moral code to live by. Sister-moms who leave will often also simply miss their families and feel rejection because they cannot stay and live their lives. They will feel confusion and shame, and be afraid of going to hell for their actions. </div>
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They experience the conflict of self-preservation both while living in the haze and while getting out. All these experiences can trigger depression, self-harm, and self-destructive behavior, and when a girl is used to living in a haze of denial, it is very difficult to get out of the new haze of depression if she falls into it. A parent risking a girl's mental health to get help with child raising other children is abuse.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-66115892701651877952013-09-02T13:59:00.000-07:002013-09-02T13:59:25.246-07:00The Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network<a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2012/06/introducing-the-spiritual-abuse-survivor-blogs-network/">About The Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network</a><br />
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The Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network was started by Vyckie Garrison and Libby Anne, from No Longer Quiverfull. There are quite a few excellent blogs listed in the Network, and I would like to have mine added as well.<br />
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If you are enjoying reading my blog, you may also be interested in reading blogs by other survivors of spiritual abuse. Here is the link to a list of other bloggers:<br />
<a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/spiritual-abuse-survivor-blogs-network/">http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/spiritual-abuse-survivor-blogs-network/</a><br />
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These blogs are written by people who have all experienced spiritual abuse, and are partly for processing and partly for raising awareness about spiritual abuse. I have noticed that many young girls do not realize that they are being oppressed and spiritually abused because they do not know what it is. They are taught that what they are experiencing is normal.<br />
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There is no dictionary definition for spiritual abuse, but from my experience I can tell you that spiritual abuse is when leaders or parents use fear and coercion to force compliance with the religious beliefs of the leader or parent. There are many other ways of exploring this issue, and I hope you will read about them in these other blogs :)<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-88886699574991170212013-09-02T10:47:00.001-07:002013-09-22T10:46:01.508-07:00How I Left My Parents' HomeSeveral people have asked me about actually leaving my parents. It's kind of hard to explain exactly what happened, because there was not one day when I decided to leave.<br />
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When I was 16, I was still attending a conservative church with my parents. In my family we were still expected to wear head coverings all the time, but the church we attended only expected them in churches. So in December of 2004 (when I was 16) I decided to stop wearing one at all - to me you either follow that verse 100% or not at all, and I wasn't going to be the only one. I also secretly purchased jeans and changed into them on rare occasions when I was allowed out with church friends.</div>
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The summer of 2005 around my 17th birthday, I went for a week to visit my very secular grandparents in another province. They asked me some questions about what I wanted to do for a career. I had not been asked that question, as my destiny was to get married and be a homeschooling mom even though I didn't want that. My grandparents mentioned that I couldn't go to university without a high school diploma, and explained that I probably couldn't even get a GED with how little schooling I'd had. This was news to me since I'd always been told our way was the best way to do anything, but it had the ring of truth. </div>
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When I got home, I looked into schools. I found I needed to have parental signatures to attend at age 17, so I privately convinced and cajoled my mom to sign, which she did, although it is my belief that she thought I would give up. My father refused to sign when he found out, and no one told him my mom signed, and the school accepted one signature and none for the bus (as I recall) because by then my mom was too scared to sign anything else. What is confusing about this is that in the summer my father drove me to take an ACT test (useless in Canada) which seemed to encourage academia, but it was with a bunch of homeschoolers so maybe it was the in thing to do for homeschoolers.</div>
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Miraculously my parents did not physically prevent me from going to school on the first day, I think because they knew it would probably be noticed if I didn't go after all the trouble to sign up and get placed into many different classes across all four high school grades. I was expected to wear dresses. That lasted for a few weeks, and then I pulled out the secret pants. My parents tried to force me to change but I refused, and I ran out to catch the bus in a whirlwind of shame.</div>
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I quickly made friends with Christian kids at school that were mostly my age, some a bit younger. Two friends I made were sisters, and I would go to their house sometimes for 'homework projects'. We were on the same bus route so it was easy to do, and their parents drove me home if they asked. </div>
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I was invited by other friends to a youth group at a mainstream Pentecostal church. I asked my parents for permission and they said yes sometimes and no sometimes and sometimes would drive me and other times refused when it was too late to find another ride. This was about November. </div>
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During this time I opened up a bit to the family I mentioned above with the two sisters. Once at their house I mentioned how hopeless life was with my family and that I was very upset (I didn't really know what depression was). They told their parents, and somehow I ended up staying at their house for the weekend and just never went home (about November or early December 2005). I know that their dad went to several meetings with my dad and his church friends, and the consensus from my dad's angle was that at 17, CAS would not force me to return home and it was better not to get the police involved to try and get me back since I was too far gone in rebelliousness anyways, and CAS might take a hard look at seven younger children who were not attending school. </div>
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I was able to get a few things from my parents' home, but my father didn't waste any time to completely pack up my room, junking most of it and putting lots of my stuff into the damp garage. I basically started life over with the family, I continued going to school, getting decent grades, going to church and youth group, and spending time with friends. </div>
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I've never really talked publicly about this before, but I need to talk about mental health here. I believe that I spent my first 17 years in some kind of survival state of mind. When I got out and was living with another family, I experienced a whole different lifestyle. The parents worked and provided for the family. I had a few chores like some laundry and dishes, but my job as a student was to do school. </div>
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There was also this whole unconditional love bit, and for the most part the emotional state of others in the home was predictable. Children got pats on the back for doing something well. There was a certain expectation for behaviour and no one really crossed it- it just wasn't optional. There were no out of control behaviours, because they were taught how to behave when they were younger. </div>
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One big problem I had was that I was so used to being told no that I assumed that parents just said no to be nasty. I had to learn at 17, at home and at school, that some stuff was ok and other stuff wasn't, and how to tell the difference. I had to learn in a flash how to use judgement because I was never taught that. My philosophy had just been 'do whatever you need to do to stay out of trouble and try to enjoy life'. But in school and normal family life there are rules to follow so that you don't violate the rights of others and everything runs smoothly. I didn't know that. </div>
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It was very hard on me to experience this "culture shock" and to realize how bad I was at relationships. I had to go to grade 9 math, which I found very shameful. I didn't know what the bells meant at school. I didn't know how to share tasks at home. I realized I was very selfish after years of looking out for myself for all those years, and it was impossible to just switch that off when I was in an environment where there wasn't too many people competing for too few resources. I also realized by comparison how chaotic, unreasonable and toxic my home environment had been. I didn't know. And then it hit me that I still had siblings there. </div>
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It was a very difficult few years. I fell into depression for a while, but I somehow continued school because in this family school wasn't optional so thankfully if you weren't sick you went. <span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">The family also supported me in making regular calls to CAS over the next two years, so by the fall of 2006 my next brother and sister were enrolled in school at CAS's recommendation, and the following fall my father was forced to leave the home by CAS for non-compliance and all the siblings were enrolled in school. </span></div>
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I also had many excellent teachers over my three years in high school who seemed to look for the good in students and were compassionate as long as I was trying. Between being granted some credits and earning the rest in three years, I graduated at 20 with a real diploma and I was given a plaque from the principal at commencement - a student leadership award. After graduating high school I was able to go to university and get both a BA and a post graduate degree in four years, and graduate from university on the Deans list. </div>
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I no longer have any kind of relationship with my father at all, and my relationship with my mother is complex, as do many of my siblings still live with her. </div>
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There is no one reason why I left. Obviously I had quite a bit of help, and there must have been a certain obstinate streak for me to seek out that help. I have been free for 8 years now. It's great. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-41259149839880937082013-08-28T16:50:00.002-07:002013-09-22T10:46:16.326-07:00Oh Daughters of Fundamentalism, Take Upon Yourselves the Cloak of Self-deceptionI recently witnessed a young girl who is struggling a bit who expressed that she was a bit unhappy with her life, being told that she just needs to take it one day at a time, and be happy with it. To me it is shameful to express to a child or a teenager that their discomfort or unhappiness with a difficult situation stems from their own inability to cope. What message is being given to girls when they are told that although they are not the creators of the bad situation, they must be the authors of the solution, but the solution must only be to swallow their feelings and smile.<br />
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This is a relatively common comment made to daughters in conservative families. The basic idea stems from the idea if you are unhappy with your life, it is important to change your attitude about your life. Girls are not taught that they can cause change in their own lives. Of course this serves the purpose of preventing girls from making plans to get out. If they are responsible for their own happiness, and they do not get to make their own choices, fundamentalism is able to produce a new generation of women who not only do not fight back and fall in line with whatever rules and tasks are assigned to them, in the ideal scenario they will actually start to enjoy the fact that they are fulfilling their purpose, and own their own oppression.<br />
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This is a very difficult concept to understand if you did not grow up in patriarchy. How can women not only agree and allow themselves to be oppressed, but also seem to be happy and flourish in their own oppression? How can women become party to their own oppression, and in fact add their own restrictions to their own activities and assign themselves even more responsibility for the physical and mental well-being of the men around them? Because they are taught to believe it.<br />
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They believe that women are created to complement their husbands. They believe that any unhappiness they experience is selfish and sinful. They in fact quench their own desires and resentment at being treated as chattel, and tell themselves they enjoy it. Today I had the misfortune of reading the story of a young woman who was picked up from work by her husband with an entourage of other people to celebrate her last day of work. There was a banner on the car stating that she was free at 27, but her exit interview read that her new employer was her husband, and she would be a house wife from then on.<br />
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Teenaged girls in quiverfull families are taught that their purpose it to serve as a daughter, and then as a wife and mother. They try to fulfill their purpose in life by working hard, taking care of younger siblings, and generally not trying to rock the boat. They do not ask for things that they want or need, they do not tell their parents if they are pain, and they do not ask questions about their futures or their bodies. I can tell you that there are probably many teenaged girls right now that are suffering from severe menstrual cramps or low energy due to health problems, that will not say anything because they do not want to cause shame to their families by not being a strong contributor to the family.<br />
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These girls are trotted out at family and church gatherings to showcase their homemaking and child-rearing skills. To fail at cooking a dish or to not be able to handle several children at a time would be an unbearable humiliation. No self-respecting girl would allow that happen, and after a girl has put all of her time and effort into being a homemaker and mother for a few years, she is taught to take pride in it, and also starts to take pride on her own. After all, how many girls of 13 are capable of running a household of 8 or 10 or more on their own. How many girls can feed a dozen people with very few ingredients? How many can juggle a house cleaning and cooking a dinner and calming a crying infant and changing a toddler at the same time?<br />
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Untold numbers of innocent teenagers are living this life every day, and they take pride in their ability. They put their own desires away and learn to run a family that isn't even theirs to keep. They are encouraged to compare their accomplishments with other girls, and on a church day they will go to their mothers and offer to take care of the babies for their mothers. They plan for their own happy families and wash laundry and cook meals and put band aids on babies. They change diapers and administer assembly line baths to dirty children. They make beds and clean up toys and wipe noses and do not go to school. They teach phonics and math and sewing and read the Bible to little children and make sure they listen to the parts about obeying your parents and making sure you do not think bad thoughts.<br />
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They tell themselves that this is what they want and that they can't wait to have their own families and carry on god's plan. And now they will grow up and teach their own baby girls to serve men and god. To deceive themselves.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-72082349450518269492013-08-14T05:09:00.001-07:002013-09-22T10:46:31.265-07:00The deliberate spread of misinformation<div>
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When my siblings and I were children, my parents deliberately misinformed us about the world. I am still not sure what the overall goal was. Some of it makes sense. The ideological nonsense that contributed to psychological control makes sense, such as the misinformation about lust, reproduction, and consequences, but some of it really doesn't make sense. </div>
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Why were we misinformed about the healthiness of foods? Why were we misinformed about women's periods? Why were we misinformed about the lactose content of butter? My parents also gave us this information in a way that made us afraid to double check, and there was certainly no ability to find out correct information and take it back to our parents. As isolated as we already were, there was always the fear that we could be isolated further if our lifestyle allowed for too much knowledge seeking. </div>
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My parents taught us some strange theories about food, which I believe contributed to a lot of food and weight issues in our family. They told us that calories were a lie, and that potatoes and rice were vegetables. They didn't teach us to have a treat or two and then healthy food, to make choices. They didn't teach us that you could have a certain amount and maintain, lose or gain weight. They taught us that when food was available to eat it. There was always food, but sometimes it was just rice, for breakfast lunch and supper. So when there was tasty food available, we really wanted it. We weren't taught moderation and we were taught that there was only ever starvation or overindulgence. </div>
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For the purpose of this writing I finally did some quick googling about lactose in milk. It doesn't matter now and it didn't matter then, no one in my family is lactose intolerant. But my parents told us that butter didn't have any lactose but margarine does. This, as I learned today, is very outdated (50 years or more), because margarine is now normally prepared to be lactose free, and butter is often 'enhanced' with other dairy products. Pure butterfat is lactose free, but that is very difficult to achieve. </div>
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My mother had the female reproductive talk with me when I was younger than nine years old. I think I was eight, but she denies this, but I remember the house. I then promptly forgot until I thought I was bleeding to death when I was 11. She then reminded me what it was but didn't give any more information so I thought I would bleed forever. Miraculously it stopped, so I thought I was gone forever. Then it came back and I had to ask again, and she was annoyed and made fun of me. I decided then not to ask any more questions. I learned about human anatomy from a health textbook, which my parents provided on the grounds that I wouldn't look at that section. I did. </div>
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My parents taught us that everyone outside our circle wanted to harm us. They taught us that foster parents are bad people and that social workers want to hurt children. They taught us that non-religious children are mean and selfish and would steal our stuff. It was only after going to high school that I learned that non-fundamentalist teens are great people. Sure they aren't perfect, but they really don't judge other non-perfect teens either. </div>
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My parents taught us that strangers are dangerous. Not like most parents do, but to the extent that I have to catch myself to not view all other drivers on the road as evil people who will hit me if they want to, for example. They taught us that if there is a way for other people to hurt us, they will. </div>
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They taught us that we were a lower tier of person than others. This is a complex issue, because they also taught that we were better than others because of the fundamental beliefs. I think this was more about guiding us to have low self-esteems. They taught us to let others walk first and butt ahead of us and choose last and give in, in all areas of life. It was hard to change this mindset and take my right of way and walk boldly through a grocery store. </div>
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They taught us that spending money on something that you do not need to the point of failing health or death is wrong. This extended from food to shoes to glasses. I was given a pair of glasses when I was nine, at which point I learned that stars are real (I thought people were lying about seeing stars in the sky) and stores in the mall have signs above them so you know which store it is - I thought people guessed and I couldn't see in, and I never had the courage to ask what I was missing. My next pair of glasses came when I was 15. After there were about six of us I don't think my parents ever bought shoes or clothes, not even from second hand, instead depending on other families to give us their cast off underwear and shoes and other items. </div>
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These are just some of the ways we were misled about daily life, not to mention the religion-based untruths. Further to the idea of not buying items that weren't life preserving, we were taught that desiring things was wrong, and that god would judge us for jealousy if we wished for more of anything or asked for what we saw other children receive.</div>
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My parents taught us that girls were able to evoke some kind of sinful feeling in men, and so we needed to be very careful about how we dressed, stood, walked, and sat, or we would answer before god one day about what thoughts went through the minds of men in our lives. </div>
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My parents taught us that girls weren't as valuable to parents as boys were, because boys could grow up to be powerful successful people one day, unlike girls. They taught us that the women's role was to support the men in whatever the men wanted to do, and we weren't supposed to have any dreams of our own because it would hinder the goals of our future husbands. </div>
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I know that at this point I have been able to gather knowledge and counteract the misinformation I received, but I still have siblings in that home that are receiving a similar level of false information. I took it upon myself to give some information to my siblings, especially regarding female health, because there was a real worry that misinformation could cause harm. And I thought my sisters should know that tampons didn't take your virginity. Lying to your children like this should be criminal.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-19116336627237775922013-08-11T19:16:00.001-07:002013-09-22T10:46:46.984-07:00My Actual Life Path vs. Life Planned by my ParentsI've been thinking about how my life would be different if I followed the path set out for me by my parents, an alternate reality if you will. My parents had plans for us to emulate them with the second generation. The idea was that we would remain under my father's ultimate authority forever, but also for the daughters to come under the secondary authority of husbands, and for the sons to bring wives into the family who would also be under the authority of my father and my brothers.<br />
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If I had followed this plan, my life would be very different. Right now, I am married to a man who practices equality, we own a house and two cars, I have two university degrees and a great job. I am not well known in the community, but I am mostly respected by people who do know me. We have two cats. We visit friends and have a few drinks sometimes on weekends. We go on great vacations together. We own lots of nice things, I have enough clothes to go about a week without doing laundry. I enjoy cooking and baking, so I do these activities for enjoyment, but I cook gourmet meals and experiment with international cuisine because I can and we have the money.<br />
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I wear jeans and shorts and tank tops and mini skirts and tall sexy boots when I want to. I have pierced ears and wear earrings and rings and necklaces and makeup when I want to. My husband goes shopping with me because we like spending time together (and he pushes the cart and carries heavy stuff), he doesn't leave it to me to do, and he doesn't go to supervise my purchases, he just goes.<br />
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If I was in the family type I was raised to be part of, I would be married to a man who submitted to my father but expected me to submit to him. Since I am 25 years old, I would most certainly have at least two children by now, but since I would have been married around 18-20 years old, there is time for me to have had more. I would not have graduated high school, and would certainly have no degrees. I would be a full time homemaker, housewife, and homeschooling mother. I would wear skirts and dresses and headscarves. I would be a spectacle to others in the community.<br />
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I would not have wedding rings, or wear any other jewelry. I would not know the difference between an eye pencil and mascara. I would never have pretty red toenails. Depending on my theoretical husband's personality, I would either spend my days cleaning house and cooking what he wanted to eat, or take full responsibility for planning meals and hoping it met his approval. I would check for my husband's approval before taking any actions on my own. I would keep my eyes lowered and hold my body in a cowering position without even knowing I was doing it. I would be able to have pride in my husband's accomplishments, and those of my future children, but I would not take part in any activities that I could be proud of, other than cooking an exceptional meal or other domestic activity.<br />
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I would probably own an iron. I would know how to use our vacuum, unlike now because my real actual husband does all the vacuuming. I have control over my own reproductive system. Although I would make decisions about children with my husband, I will never be told that it's time to have children, I will never fear that my birth control might be tampered with, and I will never be told to trust god or my husband about such things. In fact, I fully anticipate going my whole life without my husband telling me to go on faith and just trust him about anything other than the disposal of dead spiders and where the windshield washer fluid goes.<br />
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I will be able to maintain my career throughout the process of raising children. I will not be expected or desired to home school my children. I will not be asked what is for dinner unless I offered to make something or he sees me cooking. If that doesn't happen, he will ask what <i>we</i> should make. I am not told how to dress. I have a short hair-style because I like it. If he really didn't think a look was attractive, we would talk about it, but I trust that he would never manipulate me into a more conservative style by saying it was not attractive.<br />
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I am able to buy clothes when I need new clothes, without proving to anyone that I need them. I do not get in trouble for any of my actions, even if they don't fit well with the actions or goals of my husband. Again if there was a clash, we would talk about it, and both sides would be willing to adjust. When I do have children, I still have the freedom to have me time, and I will not be the only parent that changes diapers. Because we are both wage earners, I will be able to purchase what I need, and never choose between needed items and food.<br />
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I do not need to account for each moment of my day, or who I talk to. I do not need to worry that I might be seen talking to men because there are no restrictions on my activities. I am not given responsibility for defrauding men. I am not given responsibility for my husband's mood or happiness or manliness, and my actions are not measured against an metric of respect, godliness, or "properness" of any kind. Being married to someone who practices equality is great.<br />
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I am so glad that I am not in the life that my parents planned for me. This life is so much better and relaxed. I am a person in my own right, and I have choices. I have responsibilities to, particularly it is important that I do not take away any of the choices that I have, from my husband. It has been a learning curve and it isn't perfect yet, but if it's this good now, I think it can only get better from here.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-65666495113197398042013-08-06T20:46:00.001-07:002013-09-22T10:46:59.238-07:00My Parents' Belief SystemThese are my parents' beliefs, as I was taught as a child.<br />
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My parents believed in the bible. They believed it was the divine word of god, and that it was infallible. They believed that bible verses should be taken literally. </div>
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They believed in six days of creation and that god created Eve for Adam. They believed that Eve caused the Fall. They believed in the flood and that god chose one special family to be saved, because that family followed god more closely than other people and this exposed the other people as the wicked beings they were. </div>
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They embraced the stories of Abraham and Isaac - he was willing to stab his son, Jephthah and his daughter - he sacrificed her to thank god for a battle victory, and the Deuteronomy instructions for the procedure to stone your rebellious children, which demonstrate the power a parent has over the lives of their children. </div>
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They took a literal lesson from Leviticus 27, which values adult men at 50 shekels of silver, but women at 30 shekels. Boys are worth 5, and girls 3. They believed in the added value of not only a son, but a first born son, and spent a great deal of effort on building up my older brother's pride in being the first born, which led to a bit of a disappointment when he learned that not only was he getting a double inheritance of nothing, my father had a secret illegitimate son from a previous relationship. </div>
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They believed in a literal virgin birth and that Jesus did not defile his body by being with a woman while on earth. They believed in the apostle Paul's headship, in which men, through some unidentified divine right, inherently are placed above woman. They believed that men were the infallible leaders of the home, and the woman's place was under his leadership, in the home. </div>
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They believed that there is a heaven and hell, and that the people who followed god in the right way (their way) went to heaven, and all others went to hell. </div>
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My parents taught us to believe that if we had wrong thoughts about out parents, god would send ravens to peck out our eyeballs. </div>
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They taught us that women wearing pants were in direct violation of god's will, and that such a woman was inviting men to have her. They also taught that woman are responsible for not defrauding men, which means making sure that nothing about a girl or woman reminds men of her gender in a sexual way. They taught that the resulting thoughts were sinful, and that if a man took action, it was because he was betrayed by the woman.</div>
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They taught us to believe in miracles, and that if we didn't get something we asked god for, that it was because we did not have enough faith. </div>
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They taught us that their way of seeing the world was the only way, and that if experienced doubt or teenaged rebellion, we would go straight to hell. They taught us that the father was god's representative on earth, and he could speak for god on practical day to day matters. </div>
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They taught us that we lived each day through the grace of god, and that because they were god's representatives on earth, we really lived to see each day through their kindness. </div>
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They taught us that our desires for nice things was a sinful act against them and god. They taught us that sharing 'family business' was a sin against god, because god designed the family unit and we would be betraying god's plan. This was especially drilled when we went to court when I was ten, and I lied under a child's oath in court because that was god's will. </div>
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They believed that idle hands were the devil's tools, and that women are to grow up to serve their own husbands some day, and that therefore a daughter should not spend time in imaginative play or leisure, but should be learning something new or taking on new responsibility of her own volition, to ensure she wasn't circumventing god's will and stealing potential service from her future husband. </div>
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They believed that if they spared the rod and did not spank for each infraction, that they were risking the child's soul and turning them over to a rebellious spirit. They also believed that expressions of love were important, so after spanking they ensured that the child stopped crying, hugged the parent and expressed love, and ideally thanked the parent for the correction. </div>
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They believed that because so many people held different beliefs from them, it was too risky for the children's souls to allow too much contact outside the family, and it was better for us to only spend time within our own family as much as possible. </div>
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They believed in the concept of courtship - the one where parents choose a partner for their children, not the Deuteronomy 21 version where you pillage a neighbouring town and take a woman back and keep her until its no longer satisfying- and started looking for a husband for their daughters once they turned about 12.</div>
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They believed that it was improper for my father to work in an environment where he reported to a woman in any way, and that when he chose to be unemployed for this reason, that god would provide. When god didn't provide, they believed that the family had the material goods that god intended, and we were to learn humility and gratitude. </div>
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They believed that parents were infallible in all matters, and that children would continue to submit to the parents for life. They believed that being faithful in imparting these beliefs to their children would result in the children embracing these beliefs and carrying them into the next generation - they were mistaken. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00743786049821187784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1692273286247072089.post-11855945896651856082013-08-05T17:01:00.002-07:002013-09-22T10:47:12.751-07:00United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child - Do children have rights?<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have become very
interested in what rights children have. Here is the link to the United Nations
Conventions on the Rights of the Child: <a href="http://www.ohchr.org/en/professionalinterest/pages/crc.aspx"><span style="color: blue;">http://www.ohchr.org/en/professionalinterest/pages/crc.aspx</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The CRC says that: <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Childhood is
entitled to special care and assistance</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Convinced that
the family, as the fundamental group of society and the natural
environment for the growth and well-being of all its members and
particularly children, should be afforded the necessary protection and
assistance so that it can fully assume its responsibilities within the
community -</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> <i><span style="background: white;">the family, the natural environment for the
growth and well-being of children, should be afforded the protection and
assistance to assume its responsibilities (emphasis mine)</span></i><o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Recognizing that
the child, for the full and harmonious development of his or her
personality, should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of
happiness, love and understanding </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Considering that
the child should be fully prepared to live an individual life in society,
and brought up in the spirit of the ideals proclaimed in the Charter of
the United Nations, and in particular in the spirit of peace, dignity,
tolerance, freedom, equality and solidarity</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">the child, by
reason of his physical and mental immaturity, needs special safeguards and
care, including appropriate legal protection, before as well as after
birth</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></i></b></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article 2</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. States
Parties shall respect and ensure the rights set forth in the present Convention
to each child within their jurisdiction without discrimination of any kind,
irrespective of the child's or his or her parent's or legal guardian's race,
colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national, ethnic
or social origin, property, disability, birth or other status. - <i>the
child's right should be ensured despite the parent's religion (emphasis and
paraphrase mine)</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article 3</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. In all
actions concerning children, whether undertaken by public or private social
welfare institutions, courts of law, administrative authorities or legislative
bodies, <b>the best interests of the child</b> shall be a primary
consideration.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article 5</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">States
Parties shall respect the responsibilities, rights and duties of parents or,
where applicable, the members of the extended family or community as provided
for by local custom, legal guardians or other persons legally responsible for
the child, to provide, in a manner consistent with the evolving capacities of
the child, appropriate direction and guidance in the exercise by the child of
the rights recognized in the present Convention.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article 9</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. States
Parties shall ensure that a child shall not be separated from his or her
parents against their will, except when competent authorities subject to
judicial review determine, in accordance with applicable law and procedures,
that such separation is necessary for the best interests of the child. Such
determination may be necessary in a particular case such as one involving abuse
or neglect of the child by the parents, or one where the parents are living
separately and a decision must be made as to the child's place of residence. - <i>children
can be removed from their parents against their will if it is determined to be
in the best interest of the child (emphasis and paraphrase mine)</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
12</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. States
Parties shall assure to the child who is capable of forming his or her own
views the right to express those views freely in all matters affecting the
child, the views of the child being given due weight in accordance with the age
and maturity of the child.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
13</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. The
child shall have the right to freedom of expression; this right shall include
freedom to seek, receive and impart information and ideas of all kinds,
regardless of frontiers, either orally, in writing or in print, in the form of
art, or through any other media of the child's choice.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
14</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. States
Parties shall respect the right of the child to freedom of thought, conscience
and religion.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. States
Parties shall respect the rights and duties of the parents and, when
applicable, legal guardians, to provide direction to the child in the exercise
of his or her right in a manner consistent with the evolving capacities of the
child.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
18</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. States
Parties shall use their best efforts to ensure recognition of the principle
that both parents have common responsibilities for the upbringing and
development of the child. Parents or, as the case may be, legal guardians, have
the primary responsibility for the upbringing and development of the child. The
best interests of the child will be their basic concern. - <i>the best
interest of the child will be primary concern of those with the responsibility
for the upbringing of the child - this appears to be a hope and belief, not a
guarantee (emphasis and paraphrase mine)</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
19</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. States
Parties shall take all appropriate legislative, administrative, social and
educational measures to protect the child from all forms of physical or mental
violence, injury or abuse, neglect or negligent treatment, maltreatment or
exploitation, including sexual abuse, while in the care of parent(s), legal
guardian(s) or any other person who has the care of the child.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
20</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. A
child temporarily or permanently deprived of his or her family environment, or
in whose own best interests cannot be allowed to remain in that environment,
shall be entitled to special protection and assistance provided by the State.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
27</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. States
Parties recognize the right of every child to a standard of living adequate for
the child's physical, mental, spiritual, moral and social development.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. The
parent(s) or others responsible for the child have the primary responsibility
to secure, within their abilities and financial capacities, the conditions of
living necessary for the child's development.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
28</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. States
Parties recognize the right of the child to education, and with a view to
achieving this right progressively and on the basis of equal opportunity, they
shall, in particular:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(a) Make
primary education compulsory and available free to all;<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
31</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. States
Parties recognize the right of the child to rest and leisure, to engage in play
and recreational activities appropriate to the age of the child and to
participate freely in cultural life and the arts.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. States
Parties shall respect and promote the right of the child to participate fully
in cultural and artistic life and shall encourage the provision of appropriate
and equal opportunities for cultural, artistic, recreational and leisure
activity.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
32</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. States
Parties recognize the right of the child to be protected from economic
exploitation and from performing any work that is likely to be hazardous or to
interfere with the child's education, or to be harmful to the child's health or
physical, mental, spiritual, moral or social development.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Article
39</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">States
Parties shall take all appropriate measures to promote physical and
psychological recovery and social reintegration of a child victim of: any form
of neglect, exploitation, or abuse; torture or any other form of cruel, inhuman
or degrading treatment or punishment; or armed conflicts. Such recovery and
reintegration shall take place in an environment which fosters the health,
self-respect and dignity of the child.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
* * * * *
* * * * * * <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have
used the United Nations convention because this issue is prevalent in both the
US and Canada, and the convention supposedly guides both these nations. As
shown in the summary of the convention, there are certain rights a member
nation is required to provide to children, but in most cases, there is an
assumption that parents would only ever be interested in the best interests of
their own children, and therefore can be entrusted even if their actions
appears to circumvent the child's rights. This is not a promise to children
that they will be provided for, it is a hope for the best that their parents
will do the right thing. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is it in
the best interest of children to simply hope that parents will have their own
children's best interests at heart. When I was university for Social Work, we
were told to assume that all parents love their children, and therefore have
the best interest of children at heart. Abuse and neglect were largely attributed
to life circumstances that are preventing them from realizing the best
interests of the child. I think that in the vast majority of child abuse and
neglect cases, this is the case. And in cases where there is a mental illness,
alcoholism, and neglect, the government usually makes provision for the parent
to fix their problems and resume parenting with the child best interests. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">There are
parents out there that subscribe to radical conservative Biblical ideology.
This ideology spells out the rights of the parents, and the responsibility of
the children to submit to the parents (and gender based discrimination, but
that is another topic). The Bible contains many verses that describe the
complete obedience of children. I will generally reference a great deal of the
book of Proverbs here, but in particular chapter 6, verse 20: "my son obey
your father's commands, and do not neglect your mother's teachings". There
are far fewer verses detailing the responsibilities of parents towards their
children, for example: "</span><span style="background: #FDFEFF; color: #001320; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Which
of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?" Matthew7:9. If
a family subscribes to an ideology in which the primary concern of the father
is to uphold his own wishes, even at the expense of the children's needs, how
can they be trusted to uphold the best interests of the child in the spirit of
this convention?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Because abuse
in such a household is hard to detect, this convention does not adequately deal
with the conflicting provisions of family control and best interests of the
child. These concepts or provisions are at odds in such families. Children are
also not prepared to live in society when raised in this type of environment.
Because children are usually kept in the home environment by making them afraid
of the outside world, they are unnecessarily terrorized about the world. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Homeschooling
is often upheld as part of the rights of parents to provide for their own children.
The convention says that an education is a right for children and is compulsory.
Many homeschooling parents do an adequate job in providing an elementary
education for their children. However, without adequate supervision, it is
impossible to tell how many such children are adequately educated and how many
are not, and there is not sufficient evidence at this time to know the
psychological effects of homeschooling on children. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Without
adequate enforcement, the caveats made in this convention that are intended to
protect the family unit in fact protect the parents, and simply hope for the
best that the parents will protect their own children. No one protects the
children unless a sufficient case can be made for the government to step in and
separate the parents from their children. Therefore it does not appear that
children’s rights are safe guarded unless their condition is so dire as so
demand dramatic intervention</span>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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